Free Butterfly by Kathryn Harvey Page B

asked.
    “I was flattered that he wanted me. And it is such a glamorous notion: to work on a
    studio set, telling movie stars how to act like doctors. I told him in all honesty that I’d
    never watched his show, but friends tell me that Five North is one of TV’s biggest hits.
    And he wants me to be the technical adviser. I thought it might be challenging.”
    “Even though you already can’t fit anything else into your schedule.”
    Then they had gotten down to Linda’s problem. “You know why I fill my life with so
    much, Virginia,” she said softly. “It keeps me from having to go home to that lonely
    house, where I am constantly reminded that I am thirty-eight years old and want a family
    more than anything. But, to have a family I need a husband, and to get a husband I have
    to work on my damn bedroom problem. Listen—” Linda moved to the edge of the sofa
    and looked earnestly at the psychiatrist. “I want so badly to cure myself and I want so
    badly to be normal that you would think the cure would come easily!”
    Linda stood up and paced again. “I can’t go on living like this, Virginia, making the
    hospital my entire life, just so I can ignore the fact that I am alone. That’s why I decided
    it was time to do something about it, to face up to my problem and try to remedy it. So,
    when my friend Georgia told me about this club called Butterfly, and how it was helping
    her, I decided to give it a try.”
    “And has it helped at all?”
    “I’m not sure. I can’t seem to get totally into the fantasy. I think that if I could just
    achieve that—if I could just be someone else for just a little while—then maybe I could
    cast off this stigma once and for all.”
    “And you think the fantasy will help?”
    “I thought that if I could be someone else I could get over my sexual block. Maybe as
    Marie Antoinette I won’t be dysfunctional in bed! I don’t know. But the problem is, I’m so
    used to being in charge and in control of every situation that I can’t seem to let go and
    allow the fantasy to take over.”
    BUTTERFLY
    39
    She turned away from the window and regarded her analyst. Virginia Raymond had
    been trying for years to help Linda with her problem—a problem caused by a childhood
    accident and therefore not purely psychological—and she had supported Linda in her
    decision to join Butterfly.
    “It might be dangerous,” she had advised. “You might not find what you’re looking
    for.”
    But Linda had said, “I’m willing to take that risk. Challenges don’t frighten me.”
    “What do you think of the masks?” Linda asked now. “Will they help?”
    “As I told you before, Linda, if you can’t relax you will never enjoy sex. Wearing masks
    allows you that necessary relaxation. They permit you to enjoy whatever psychodrama
    you invent, whether it’s with a burglar or a Confederate officer. The mask suppresses you,
    Dr. Linda Markus, and allows another self to take over. You’re afraid of sex, Linda, or
    rather you’re afraid of rejection during sex, because of the scars. Getting rid of the fear is
    one of the most important steps toward enjoying sex.”
    “But will it work?”
    “You have to give it time. And you have to learn to relax.”
    Linda fell silent. She was already mentally sketching out the next scenario—with her
    masked lover.

    6
    El Paso, West Texas: 1952
    Rachel eyed the platter of doughnuts hungrily. From what she could see through the
    glass, there were the glazed kind, a few dusted with powdered sugar, some thickly coated
    with chocolate and nuts, buttermilk twists, and, her favorite kind, the fat round sugary
    ones stuffed with red jam. She had been in El Paso for two days now, and hadn’t eaten
    since she got off the Greyhound bus. If it hadn’t been for someone stealing her purse, not
    only would she be eating right now but she would be back on the bus and heading in the
    right direction—toward California.
    But she was broke and all alone in a