Free I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert Page B

here’s what I would have said.
    ME: Okay, kid, I get it. This stuff can be confusing. But are you kidding me? Zero squares? ZERO?! Ennhhh, wrong! I think we all know ZERO is NOT the correct answer. Like if this were on a multiple-choice test:
    How many squares of toilet paper do you use when you take a dump?
    One
    Three
    Five
    More
    See? Zero isn’t even an option.
    My point is this. Whoever says potty training can happen in three days is lying their ass off. Potty training takes YEARS. Sure, they might be peeing in the potty right away. But some of them won’t poop in there. Some of them won’t do it at night. Some of them won’t go on a public potty. Some of them create beautiful Jackson Pollock-like urine paintings on the walls. Some of them don’t know how many squares to use. And some of them wipe brown shit dots on the toilet paper for their mom to find. Awesome.



New Years resolutions I plan on breaking the shit out of
    Ordinarily when I catch a glimpse of my naked self in the mirror I have a few reactions:
    I throw up in my mouth a little but then swallow it (you’d think after seeing my naked body I’d fully throw up to expel a few calories)
    I look around for a black Sharpie to mark up my body so I can fantasize that I have an appointment with Dr. 90210
    I want to eat my muffin top
    But for the past 40 days (between Thanksgiving and New Years) I’ve had a completely different reaction. Who gives a shit how I look right now because come New Years Day, I’m going on a health kick. And come to think of it, it’s not just about eating. By February I plan on looking like a tall skinny blonde who’s hairless from the nose down, minus the tall and blonde part. Plus like a million other things I want to change too. So here goes. Twelve New Years resolutions I plan on breaking the shit out of:
    1. I will no longer eat my kids’ leftover French fries, chicken nuggets, bagels, sandwich crusts, ice cream cones, cake frosting, pizza crusts, etc. etc. etc. Because last year I was basically a human food disposal. I might as well have just tipped my head backwards over the sink and let people scrape their plates straight into my mouth. It would have been less degrading than the way I cram ten French fries into my mouth as we’re packing up to leave a restaurant. And then ten more while I’m pretending to double-check the table for anything we forgot. I fail to notice that we’re leaving behind my kid’s favorite sippy cup, but oh shit, look what we did forget. Ten greasy ass French fries.
    2. One night a month I will try to wear a sexy nightgown to bed. I mean without putting on fat pants and a disgusting long-sleeved t-shirt over it, even if it means shivering all night long and having to warm my hands between the blubber of my thighs.
    3. Speaking of blubber, from now on when I undress at the end of the day and my husband drools and says, “Yeah yeah yeah,” I won’t roll my eyes and look at him like he must be insane.
    4. I will no longer turn into Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction when my daughter won’t put on her shoes. Zoey, put on your shoes. Zoey, put on your shoes. Zoey, put on your shoes. ZOEY, PUT ON YOUR FUCKING SHOES RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR I’M GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND LEAVE YOU AT HOME WHILE WE GO TO DISNEYWORLD WITHOUT YOU!!!!!! Just so it’s clear I didn’t actually say the word “fucking” to my kiddo. I just wrote it in there to illustrate how much I was yelling. In real life I speak with giant pauses while I think the curse words in my head.
    5. I will stop throwing giant fistfuls of Cheerios out of my kid’s car seat into parking lots. I know they’re biodegradable but before it rains some poor schmuck is probably going to step on them first and that’s just annoying. Believe me I know. I step on Cheerios every goddamn day of my life so I’m like an expert at it.
    6. I will finally unsubscribe from Pottery Barn, Toys R Us and Michaels emails, but I will try not to