Free Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft Page A

that he will decide to commit a serious attack against his partner or children. A mentally ill abuser has two separate—though interrelated—problems, just as the alcoholic or drug-addicted one does.
    The basic reference book for psychiatric conditions, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), includes no condition that fits abusive men well. Some clinicians will stretch one of the definitions to apply it to an abusive client—“intermittent explosive disorder,” for example—so that insurance will cover his therapy. However, this diagnosis is erroneous if it is made solely on the basis of his abusive behavior; a man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.
    Two final points about mental illness: First, I occasionally hear someone who is discussing a violent abuser say, “He must be delusional to think he can get away with this.” But, unfortunately, it often turns out that he can get away with it, as we discuss in Chapter 12, so his belief is not a delusion at all. Second, I have received just a few reports of cases in which an abuser’s behavior has improved for a while as a result of taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. His overall abusiveness hasn’t stopped, but the most devastating or terrifying behaviors have eased. Medication is not a long-term solution, however, for two important reasons:
Abusers don’t like to be medicated because they tend to be too selfish to put up with the side effects, no matter how much the improvement may benefit their partners, so they almost always quit the medication after a few months. The medication then can become another tool to be used in psychological abuse. For example, the abuser can stop taking his pills when he is upset with her, knowing that this will make her anxious and afraid. Or when he wants to strike out at her dramatically he may deliberately overdose himself, creating a medical crisis.
No medication yet discovered will turn an abuser into a loving, considerate, appropriate partner. It will just take the edge off his absolute worst behaviors—if it even does that. If your abusive partner is taking medication, be aware that you are only buying time. Take advantage of the (more) peaceful period to get support in your own healing. Begin by calling a program for abused women.
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    M YTH #9
    He hates women. His mother, or some other woman, must have done something terrible to him.
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    The notion that abusive men hate women was popularized by Susan Forward’s book Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. Dr. Forward’s descriptions of abusive men are the most accurate ones I have read, but she was mistaken on one point: Most abusers don’t hate women. They often have close relationships with their mothers, or sisters, or female friends. A fair number are able to work successfully with a female boss and respect her authority, at least outwardly.
    Disrespect for women certainly is rampant among abusive men, with attitudes toward women that fall on a continuum from those who can interact fairly constructively with most women (as long as they are not intimately involved with them) to men who are misogynists and treat most women they encounter with superiority and contempt. In general, I find that my clients’ view that their partners should cater to their needs and are not worthy of being taken seriously does indeed carry over into how they view other females, including their own daughters. But, as we will see in Chapter 13, the disrespect that abusive men so often direct toward women in general tends to be born of their cultural values and conditioning rather than personal experiences of being victimized by women. Some abusive men use the excuse that their behavior is a response to such victimization because they want to be able to make women responsible for men’s abuse. It is important to note that research has shown that men