Free The Relic Murders by Paul Doherty Page A

Barefoot, I was pushed down a dank passageway and into a filthy cell, where the Poppletons, grinning and sneering, bade me a fond farewell. I saw the bastards pay the gaoler a silver coin - not for my sustenance but to make my life as hellish as possible. He did: a bulbous-faced toad, a hog of a man, he showed me the warrants which the Poppletons had sworn out from a local justice.
    'You are for the assizes at Guildhall,' he added gloatingly. 'And then it'll be a cart and the gallows for you.'
    'I know people at cour t,' I stammered back. 'Cardinal Thomas Wolsey.'
    'Aye,' the fellow replied. 'And I'm related to the queen.' 'Will you not at least take a message to Sir Hubert Berkeley?' I pleaded.
    The fellow stretched out h is hand. 'Payment, sir.' 'He'll p ay you.'
    The keeper brought back his hand and smacked me across the face.
    Two mornings later I appeared before the Justices in the Guildhall. The comer of my mouth was a bloody mess and both my eyes were beginning to close. I was unshaven, smelling of gaol and vermin: I could tell from the supercilious look of the clerk that His Majesty's Justices would not spend long on me.
    The Poppletons were there with some sprig of a lawyer. I stood chained to the bar. The Justices came in, and sat down and all three stared across at me. My heart sank. Oh, most cruel of coincidences! Oh, weep for poor Shallot! The bugger in the middle, dressed in a scarlet gown lined with ermine, was no less a person than that Frumpleton who had caught me in his bed chamber with his wife. Ah well, such is the way of the world. The trial was a farce. The Poppletons presented their evidence depicting me, poor little Shallot, as a rogue and a charlatan who had settled grievances by poisoning their mother. They described how they had tracked me to London and how an informant outside St Paul's had directed them to a tavern in Whitefriars. After that it had been easy. They had called at Berkeley's household and been told I was drinking at the Silver Lion.
    'Do you have anything to say in answer to these charges?' Frumpleton bell owed, glaring hatefully at me. ‘I’ m innocent!' I bleated.
    His cruel mouth twisted into a sneer. 'Aye, as innocent as Herod: a fine teller of tales.'
    The Justice on his right, a liverish-faced sprat, spoke up.
    'A teller of tales! Well, well, Shallot, tell us a tale, and perhaps you won't hang.'
    I saw him nudge Frumpleton, and knew they were only mocking me. The Poppletons, now full of themselves, smiled maliciously. They rubbed their hands, hardly able to wait before sentence was passed.
    'Yes,' Frumpleton bellowed, wrinkling his nose. 'Tell us a funny tale, Shallot, and you probably won't hang.' He glanced sneeringly sideways. 'Well, at least, not immediately.'
    (Now, you know Shallot. When I am down, it's bad enough but to be baited as well!)
    'I'll tell you a funny story,' I shouted back, rattling my chains. 'One day there was a dispute between God and the Devil.'
    'Yes!' Frumpleton nodded. 'But no blasphemy, Master Shallot!'
    'Oh no, sir, the truth. Well, the dispute couldn't be settled so God went back to Heaven and Satan back to Hell. A short while later God sent an emissary to Satan, saying he was unable to get legal advice.'
    'Why?' Frumpleton asked.
    'Oh, you see, my lord,' I smiled coolly, 'there aren't any lawyers in Heaven!'
    Well, that was it! On went the black cap and I, Roger Shallot, was sentenced to be taken to a place of lawful execution, namely Tyburn, as soon as possible, which meant the following morning, and hanged by the neck until dead.
    I was hustled from the court, the bailiffs beating and shoving me, and was returned to the condemned cell at Newgate where I spent the night fighting off the rats. The only consolation offered was that just after midnight, when I was sitting blubbering in a corner bemoaning my fate, the Bellman arrived outside. I could hear his voice as he rang the bell for the condemned felons.
    'You who in the condemned cell do