Free Are You Going to Kiss Me Now? by Sloane Tanen Page B

Eve’s shoulders, and her arm was around his waist in a show of fake camaraderie for the paparazzi. He laughed off Eve’s question, and they both smiled for the cameras like old pals.
    “Guys, guys,” Cisco interrupted heroically, “we’re here to raise awareness about illiteracy in Africa, not Ms. Amberson’s personal life. Everyone’s briefed on that already, no?”
    The photographers laughed, and Milan looked at Cisco with a mixture of gratitude and resentment.
    Chaz and I just stood back like two golf caddies at the World Open. I could tell he was trying to keep a distance from me—like my anonymity was contagious—but there was no pretending we weren’t together in our nobody-ness. This became even more apparent when there was a sudden burst of excitement and all the photographers nearly trampled the two of us in an effort to reach a very blond, tall, skinny, young guy carrying a guitar case and heading in our direction. He was surrounded by security as well. Joe muttered something under his breath before breaking from our group, and the two hugged in what can only be called the world’s most awkward embrace. The photographers were going C-R-A-Z-Y. It was Jonah Baron.
    Like I said, Jonah Baron was a teen idol who just happened to be Joe Baronstein’s illegitimate son. They were both so famous in their own right that their relationship wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when you thought of either one of them—sort of like Nicholas Cage being Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew or Miley Cyrus being the daughter of Billy Ray—but it was a fact nonetheless. I saw an interview with Barbara Walters where Joe said he was proud of Jonah’s success and that the two were working out their “differences.” Differences? Can you imagine when Joe Baronstein, America’s hero, had to tell his wife of twenty years that Christian pop star Jonah Baron was his son from an affair he’d had with a makeup artist seventeen years before? And that she had the paternity tests to prove it.
    As I said, I don’t go in for the boy bands (or the Jesus sound), but it’s believed Jonah is the second coming of Justin Timberlake. They even call his fans “disciples.” Scary. At seventeen, he’d already opened for Westlife and Day26, which was impressive. But Joe Baronstein was Jonah’s father, and I think that might have helped just a little, right? And spare me the “I changed my last name and I did it on my own” crap you read about in People . I mean, explain Kate Hudson to me, please? Has she made a good movie since Almost Famous ?
    Anyway, in his defense, Jonah Baron wrote all his own music, and he had actually done a lot of missionary work. But, more importantly, he was rumored to be a virgin, complete with a promise ring and everything. I was impressed with his position on the subject. Unlike myself, he certainly wasn’t a virgin for lack of opportunity. That was for sure. He was really cute in person. Standing next to his father, the resemblance was uncanny…except Jonah was young, blond, and didn’t have the big honker. My crush started shifting a little. Then I noticed that Copilot Ted Montgomery and stewardess Erin were shaking everybody’s hands and waving good-bye. Where the hell were they going?
    J:
    Update:
    A) Jonah Baron is here too. You know, THE VIRGIN…like us. He’s cute and is flying in the cockpit with Joe. Weird to see them together.
    B) This means Erin and the copilot will not be on board. Somebody feels it’s safe to let Joe fly us solo the last leg of the trip. Anyway, I smell too bad and am too tired to worry about it.
    C) I’ll text when we land.
    X, F.
    I sent the message and turned off my phone. The flying time to Madagascar was two hours and fifty-four minutes. I was asleep before we reached cruising altitude.

PART TWO:
WELCOME TO HELL
    “I think celebrities suck.”
    —Eddie Vedder

I Hate You, Joe Baronstein
    I’ve heard it said that after a trauma, a person’s sense of time and