Free Best Sex Writing 2009 by Rachel Kramer Bussel

years are openly looking for.She occasionally engages in cybersex with multiple partners on her own, and sometimes the couple has a cyber “threesome.” The techno-poly couple is up front that the status of their relationship is nonmonogamous, but I still wondered how this nouveau poly arrangement negotiated the murky waters of cybersex and infidelity. Lumpesse explains, “Cheating is an interesting question. In my relationship we are in- credibly open and honest.We don’t have many rules, so there isn’t much to lie about. Really, the only rule we have is to share what we are feeling and planning. So, for me, infidelity is taking an action or having a feeling that I think my partner would want to know but that I’m not telling him for some reason. I used to say that I
    ‘don’t do anything I wouldn’t want him sitting next to me while I’m doing,’ but I think that is pretty reductive and too prone to literal interpretation. Instead, any sort of keeping secrets feels like infidelity to me.”
    To Kolmes, this makes a lot of sense; cybersex outside a non- monogamous relationship is a natural fit.“These kinds of different conceptions of the same sexual acts are not new for poly couples who may have very different feelings about various sensual, emo- tional, or sexual activities (i.e., the relative intimacy of kissing, versus more genital-specific touching, versus BDSM play, et cetera).” How this might work, Kolmes explains,“Some people may draw the line at cybersex with known people, saying that this would feel like too much of a violation, and that it’s only okay if their partner plays with (presumed) strangers. Others may feel better having clear rules about sharing the logs of the activity. Some may want to watch or supervise. Some may prefer that the cybersex be around particular acts that are less appealing to them (fantasy play or sex acts that the partner may not enjoy as much). Others may feel more comfortable if their partner has cybersex using some other identity (gender role switching, or via a virtual avatar, in a game, or whatever).”
    But there’s being okay with it, and there’s…not. We’ve all read the Cosmo articles about the fiancée who walked in on her al- most-husband with his mouse in one hand and his—mouse—in the other, shockingly busting him having cybersex. (Yes, you read it. Continue.) To her this is a transgression, although it’s likely not a clear one; it hurts; she feels jealous, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, and generally wonders if she’s enough for him. But cybersex is layered and sometimes mysterious and complex. Unless he explains what’s going on, it’s tough to determine if it’s healthy fantasy and mastur- bation (that is, if she’s even okay with that concept), or having an actual sexual—or emotional—affair with another girl. He might
    have it tucked away in the “it’s not about my real relationship” area of his psyche, but for her it is. The difficulty with cybersex and monogamy, besides explaining sticky keyboards, is knowing when a line’s been crossed.
    How do you know if you’re crossing a cybersex line? Talking about your cybersexuality with your partner is the right thing to do, but yeah, like that’s easy when it’s been an ongoing thing, or you have a fetish you don’t know how (or want) to share. But if you’re monogamous and having cybersex with someone who’s not your partner, you need to know how to tell when the line’s been crossed. Some advise that if it feels like cheating, it likely is. But Kolmes reminds us that it isn’t that cut and dried, helpfully advising what to look for. “Signs that you may be crossing a line would include things like feeling guilty about it or feeling the need to keep it a secret. Or if you find that you’re using cybersex as a safe way to express specific fantasies with someone that you are afraid to share with your relationship partner(s). Complaining about your rela- tionship to the