Free Bloodsucking fiends by Christopher Moore Page B

in on him and tell him that she had ways of making him talk. Actually, that last part wouldn't be too bad.
    Women seemed to have some collective plan, and most of it seemed to involve getting men to do stuff that they didn't want to do. He skimmed an article entitled: "Tan Lines: Sexy Contrast or Panda Bear Shame? – A Psychologist's View," then flipped to one entitled: "Men's Love for Sports Analogies: How to Use Vince Lombardi to Make Him Put the Seat Down." ("When one player falls in, the whole team gets a wet butt.") He read on: "When it's fourth and ten and Joe Montana decides to go for it, would his linemen tell him that they won't go to the store to get him tampons? I don't think so." And: "Of course Richard Petty doesn't want to wear a helmet, but he can't drive without protection either." By the time Tommy got to the warnings about never using Wilt Chamberlain or Martina Navratilova as examples, he was completely disenchanted. How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman?
    He turned the page and his heart sank even further. "Can You Tell Him He's a Lousy Lay?: A Quiz."
    Tommy thought, This is exactly the kind of thing that made me stay a virgin until I was eighteen.
    1. It's the third date and you're about to have an intimate moment, but when he drops his shorts you notice he's less blessed than you expected. Do you:
    A: Point and laugh.
    B: Say, "Wow! A real man at last." Then turn and snicker to yourself.
    C: Say, "Is that what they mean by microbiology?"
    D: Just go ahead with it. He might be shamed into making a commitment. And what do you care if all your sons are nicknamed Peewee?
    2. You decide to do the dread deed, and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, "Was it good for you?" You:
    A: Say, "God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life!"
    B: Say, "Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man."
    C: Put a Certs in your navel and say, "That's for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished."
    D: Smile and throw his car keys out the window.
    3. After fumbling in the dark, he thinks he's found the spot. When you tell him that's not it, he forges ahead anyway. You:
    A: Grab the lamp off the nightstand and beat him with it until he gets off you.
    B: Grab the lamp off the nightstand and beat him to death with it.
    C: Grab the lamp off the nightstand, turn it on, and say, "Would you look where you're at?"
    D: Wait patiently until he finishes, wishing the whole time that you had a lamp on your nightstand.
    The phone in the office rang. Tommy closed the magazine.
    "Marina Safeway."
    "Tommy, is that you?" Jody asked.
    "Yeah, I have on my phone voice."
    "Look, you're registered into room two-twelve at the Van Ness Motel – the corner of Chestnut and Van Ness. There's a key waiting for you in the office. The papers and keys for my car are on the bed. I left some papers for you to take to Transamerica and some money too. I'll meet you at the motel office a little after sunset."
    "What room are you in?"
    "I don't think I should say."
    "Why? I'm not going to come in and jump you or anything."
    "It's not that. I just want things to be right."
    He took a deep breath. "Jody?"
    "Yes."
    "Is there a lamp on the nightstand in your room?"
    "Sure, it's bolted down. Why?"
    "No reason," Tommy said.
    Suddenly, from the back of the store, the Stones belted out "Satisfaction" from a boom box cranked to distorted fuzz level. Tommy could hear the Animals chanting, "Kill the pig!" in the background.
    "I've got to go," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow night."
    "Okay. Tommy, I had a nice time tonight."
    "Me too," he said. He hung up and thought: She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.
    Jeff, the failed power forward, burst into the office. "The truck is stacked, dude. The ski boat is charged! We're talking luau in the produce aisle."
    The Clark 250, self-propelled, professional floor-maintenance machine, is a miracle of janitorial design.