Free The Boo by Pat Conroy Page B

terse, factual, declarative sentences whose primary function was to inform, not to entertain. But the presence of The Boo —the impalpable, pervasive presence—which somehow invited experiment and stimulated creativity, touched a large segment of the cadet population. As Assistant Commandant he collected a large portfolio of ERW’s that surpassed the general level of the genre. He kept the ones that amused him; he saved the ones that by the cold precision of their logic pointed out the inconsistencies in the system. The ERW’s you will read on the next pages are a small part of legacy of ten years in the Commandant’s Department. You will note that The Citadel has produced no major poets. You might find grammatical errors, misspellings, and butchered usage. Because of this, The Boo never criticized the English Department when they lowered the boom on incoming freshmen. He saw daily the need for improved communication but he also saw the tremendous potential in the cadets. Their humor and unflagging spirit daily entertained him in his office. Not many cadets summoned the nerve to write him flippant, sarcastic ERW’s, but those who did never regretted it. He would call them on the phone, chew them out, give them hell and hang up. According to custom, they would worship him from that moment onward.
    These ERW’s are the stuff of The Citadel, for they capture the bright spirits which dwelt beneath the cover of grey uniforms. They convey the important message that the cadet was ruled by his environment externally only, that The Citadel could control the surface, but not the soul of him beneath it. The ERW’s on the following pages are some of the best produced in the eight-year Courvoisie reign. The non-Citadelian will struggle to see humor in any of them; The Citadel graduate will find this chapter the most humorous and memorable in the book.
    The ERW, like Gaul, was divided into three parts: the first part stated whether the report was correct or incorrect; the second part gave the specific details surrounding the report; the third part stated whether the offense was intentional, unintentional, or no offense at all. It is all part of the general confusion surrounding life in the barracks. All part of the game.
    5 March 1964
SUBJECT:
Explanation of Report: “Late Division Inspection 1 March,” D/L 4 March
TO:
The Commandant of Cadets.
    1. The report is correct.
    2. Due to delicate, amorous circumstances I could not tear myself away from my paramour, and the consequences find me writing this ERW as I was tearfully, regretfully late.
    3. The offense was unintentional as I had no control of my emotions.
    29 February 1965
SUBJECT:
Explanation of Report: “Failure to sign out weekend Leave, 2/19/65” D/L 2/26/65
TO:
The Commandant of Cadets.
    1. The report is sadly correct.
    2. Due to my frenzied attempt to spit shine my shoes and blitz out a few minor scratches in my brass and still get to my destination on time, the signing out procedure that I would surely have conformed to had I not been so particular about my customarily immaculate appearance, slipped my over-burdened mind. I offer my humble apologies in lieu of any punishment.
    3. The offense was very, very unintentional.
    20 October 1964
SUBJECT:
Explanation of Report: “SMI Pet in room 10 October” D/L 19 October
TO:
The Commandant of Cadets.
    1. The report is correct.
    2. When I first came upon the cat, she was cold, starving, and did not even purr. Due to the love and affection in my heart, my soul told me to help this orphan so she could once again purr. Also realizing the family of rats which inhabit my dwelling every night, the cat would be able to help me get rid of the rats. Cat (as I called her) became efficient at exterminating the unwanted creatures. Cat brought joy and comfort to my heart in hearing her once again purr, and in showing her affection for me.
    3. The offense was intentional.
    (handwritten): Your love and devotion should be devoted to