Free Jumping Off Swings by Jo Knowles Page A

so it was OK. But oh, God. Oh, God. I was so stupid! She didn’t say anything about it. She just looked at me. And I . . . I looked away. I just left her there.
    You’re the last guy she was with.
    “Shit!” I slam my fist on the armrest again, but it’s already broken, and a screw hanging out of the door slices the side of my hand. I stare at it, waiting for the sting and the blood to surface.
    Caleb groans, when it should be me.
    I pull my sleeve down over my hand and hold it in a fist.
    “Is she OK?” I finally ask.
    Caleb doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have to.
    “Never mind,” I say. “Just tell me what I should do. How much will it cost?”
    “I don’t know.”
    He moves a little and glances over at me. The blood around his mouth has gelled up. It looks like that face paint stuff we used to wear at Halloween when we were kids. I can feel my own blood soaking my shirt.
    “The thing is, she doesn’t know you know. And according to Corinne, I don’t think she wants you to.”
    “Oh.”
    I know this is the part when I should start feeling relieved. She doesn’t want to involve me. It’s not my problem. So why does my chest feel like someone just punched me with an iron fist?
    “What else do you know?” I ask. “When is she going to — I mean —” I don’t know why I can’t say the words.
    “I’m not sure. Corinne doesn’t tell me that much.”
    “Wait a minute. How long have you known about this?”
    “Relax. Not that long. Corinne told me and swore me to secrecy.”
    But he’s still looking out that damn window and fidgeting with his key chain. He’s not telling me everything.
    “What the hell, Cay?
Corinne?
Why would you agree to anything that bitch says? I can’t believe you’re into her. You kept this from me for
her
?”
    “She’s not a bitch! What is it with you and Dave? You don’t even know her! God, Josh. I didn’t have to tell you all this, ya know.”
    Some fresh blood oozes out from under the stuff that’s drying.
    God, I’m an asshole. Everything’s my fault. Everything.
    “Sorry,” I say. I reach in the backseat for his jacket and hand it to him. “I’m a fuckup.”
    “Forget it.”
    “How’s your face?”
    He touches his lip and flinches. But he smiles real fast and says, “It was worth it — that bastard.”
    “Thanks, man.”
    “I didn’t do it for you.”
    “Right.” I should have known that. “How’d that prick find out, anyway?”
    He groans, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out what looks like a letter.
    “Ellie had it at school. She was really upset, so Corinne took her to the girls’ room to talk. I guess Kayla and Jessie overheard and blabbed to Kyle.”
    “What is it?”
    “Read it,” Caleb says, handing the paper to me.
    Oh, shit. What now?
    I open the folds slowly, trying not to get any blood on it. My hands are shaking so hard, I have to press the paper against my thighs to read the blurry note.
    “Your
mom
knows?”
    Caleb nods and looks up at the house as if she’s watching us from inside. “She knows about Ellie. I don’t know if she knows you’re the . . . you know.”
    He doesn’t say the word, but it’s there between us anyway.
    Father.
    You’re the father.
    I lean back into the seat and try to breathe. Oh, God, please just let this be some stupid nightmare. Please let me wake up now. But I have this very real note in my hand, and when I look down again at those blurry words, I know they’re probably like that because of Ellie’s tears.
    I crush the paper into a ball with my good hand and hold it in my fist.
    “I’m outta here.”
    Caleb sits up a little. “Want a ride?”
    “No, thanks. Sorry about the armrest. I’ll take care of it.”
    I shut the door and leave Caleb sitting in the car. It was cold in the car, but it’s twice as cold outside. I put on my jacket and throw my backpack over my shoulder. The wind rips at my face and into my ears as I walk slowly down the driveway and toward home. When I turn