eyes. The minister had stopped talking and was looking at my father for guidance. Everybody else ⦠well, they were staring at me. Theyâd heard my rant, heard me tear up Alexâs friends at my own burial.
My vision blurred, the whole world narrowing down to one gaping, black hole in the earth. The grave. My grave. I searched the crowd, looking for some way to escape. Jenna took a step toward me, but Alex waved her off. He leaned in and whispered something in my ear, my dad following suit on the other side. I donât know what either of them said; it was nothing more than jumbled words in a sea of white noise.
The second my eyes caught Joshâs, I could breathe. It was as if something familiar in me clicked into place, and for the first time in over a week, I felt like me. He wasnât wearing his standard Mountain Dew T-shirt and ratty jeans. He had on a black suit and tie and what looked like uncomfortable shoes. I liked him better in T-shirts and jeans.
Kim was standing next to him, with the rest of the anime club behind them. They were shuffling their feet, looking everywhere but at me, as if itching for this whole thing to end.
Joshâs eyes met mine with an intensity I didnât quite understand. Heâd never looked at me like thatâwith such unadulterated hatred. His eyes were red, but the sheen of tears couldnât hide his feelings.
Kim reached for him and whispered something in his ear. He brushed her off and took a step farther away. I thought he was going to leave, but he didnât. He shrank into the back of the crowd where he didnât have to look at me. She followed him, tried again to tell him something before handing him a tissue. Josh took it and twisted it in his hands until it resembled confetti. I fought the urge to go over and still his hands, to throw my arms around him and thank him for being one of the few people who was here for me ⦠for Ella.
âMaddy, sweetheart,â Dad said, his hand on my shoulder drawing my attention to him. âWhy donât you let Alex or your grandmother take you home? I know the doctor thought being here wouldââ
âNo,â I said, cutting him off. I had every intention of staying, surrounded by people who couldnât care less about me as I absorbed the details of my life being memorialized, then buried away. âIâm fine. I want to stay.â
Mom caught the edge in my voice and leaned across Dad to stare at me. She wasnât angry or embarrassed by my outburst, she was ⦠wary. Maddy never snapped at them. Sheâd cry, plead, and give them the silent treatment until they cracked, but she never snapped. The one who snapped was me. That was Ella.
âMaddy?â Momâs eyes roamed every inch of my body looking for something I knew she wouldnât find.
The only way my parents were able to tell us apart as babies was a small freckle I had above my right eye. That night in the hospital after Iâd woken up and had no idea who I was, I caught Mom carefully peeling away the bandage. She thought I was asleep, and I didnât do anything to tell her otherwise. At first I figured she was counting my stitches or checking to make sure they werenât infected. It wasnât until hours later, after I realized who I truly was, that I figured out what sheâd been doing, why she ran her fingers gently across my stitches. She was looking for that identifying mark, a telltale sign that would confirm who I was, who she wanted me to be. But Maddyâs face had been cut up when she hit the windshield and ⦠well, I now had seven stitches where that freckle once was. She could stare at that tiny spot forever; the freckle wasnât there.
âIâm sorry,â I said. âItâs ⦠Iâm sorry.â
At a nod from my mother, the minister continued, and everybody went back to studying their shoes. I didnât make another sound, not