Free Watch Over Me by Daniela Sacerdoti Page A

back to you. I sat down, my cheeks bright red, and took a long, comforting sip from my pint.
    After lunch, we all went back to my family house, where my mum and dad used to live and where Shona stays when she comes down. I had been there that morning, to light the fire and switch the heating on. We spent the afternoon chatting while the girls played, until it was time for Shona and her family to drive back to Aberdeen.
    ‘Take care. Let me know how it goes,’ she whispered in my ear as she hugged me. I watched her drive away, the girls waving from the back seat.
    ‘Can you come up to the house? I need to talk to you,’ I said to Gail while locking the door.
    Her eyes lit up. Oh God.
    We spent a painful hour chatting and drinking tea. I couldn’t speak to her when Maisie was around, of course.
    Finally, five o’clock came crawling and it was time for dinner, bath and bed. Gail insisted on helping while I bathed Maisie and sat on her bed while I read her a bedtime story. When Maisie was finally tucked in, we went back downstairs.
    ‘Why don’t I cook something nice?’
    ‘Gail, we need to talk.’
    Her face fell. She could see from my expression that something was wrong.
    ‘What? What’s wrong?’
    ‘I’m sorry, I really really am, but this is just not … right. I can’t have a relationship right now. I just can’t …’
    Her eyes welled up and she started crying. Oh no, oh no, oh no.
    ‘Gail, I’m so sorry, I don’t want to hurt you—’
    ‘As if I didn’t know! As if I didn’t notice!’ she said angrily, jumping up from the sofa.
    ‘What?’
    ‘Helena told me to watch out for her. I knew it!’
    Eilidh. Shit. I didn’t want her involved.
    ‘What are you talking about?’
    ‘You know very well! She sat across from us in the pub! On purpose! And you kept looking at her … She keeps going to the workshop to see you, Helena saw her walking up the hill!’
    What?
    ‘Gail, who are you talking about?’
    ‘As if you didn’t know! That German girl, that flaky one with the pottery business. Silke. I saw the way you were looking at each other!’
    Oh God almighty.
    ‘Gail, Silke comes up to the workshop because we have business together. I don’t fancy her. I don’t fancy anyone and I don’t want anyone, for me or for Maisie. Please, Gail, try to understand—’
    ‘Rubbish. Maisie and I get on like a house on fire. There must be someone else.’
    ‘There is no one else. But you are right, it’s not just because of Maisie. It’s true that I don’t want a relationship. But it’s also true that I’m not in love with you.’
    More howling and sobbing. My stomach was in a knot. I felt so bad, I just wanted her to stop crying.
    ‘Come here … there, there …’
    ‘Don’t touch me!’
    ‘Gail, please, calm down. It’s ok … it’s ok …’ I stroked her hair.
    She relaxed in my arms and I held her, like a little girl. For a second, a split second, I felt it would have been so much easier to keep holding her and to kiss her, and maybe that awful freezing cold I had felt in my bones for years would go away.
    But I had to do it.
    ‘Gail, you need to go home. I’m sorry. You’ll be fine, believe me.’
    She looked at me, a long, sad look. She wasn’t angry anymore.
    ‘It might not be the proud thing to say but I’m in love with you,’ she said and the young girl suddenly looked like a woman, a woman who knows her mind.
    ‘I’m sorry.’
    Without another word, she left. I sat in my armchair by the fire, a glass of whisky in my hand – then another one, and another one, something that’s happening more and more often. I thought of a poem I read once that called whisky ‘the smiler with a knife’.
    I can’t stop drinking alone at night, I don’t know where else to turn.
    I can’t stop drinking.
    I sat until late and looked at the flames.

9
LISTEN TO MY HEART
     
Elizabeth
     
    I listen carefully to what Jamie says when he doesn’t speak. I hear his words unsaid, I hear his heart