Free Sex and Bacon by Sarah Katherine Lewis Page A

usually ordered Domino’s and filled up on Cheesy Bread.
    So what I’ve figured out with vegetables is that you have to act fast , before you give up and call for takeout. That’s why veggies like asparagus are good: They require very little processing to become edible and reasonably tasty—unlike, say, artichokes or spaghetti squash.
    Broccoli’s another fast-acting veggie. So are green beans.
    Just take the vegetables of your choice, wash them, and cut off their ends. Toss them into a metal steamer, and fit the steamer into a pot with a couple inches of boiling water in the bottom. Make sure the water level is below the bottom of the steamer: You’re steaming your veggies, not boiling them.
    Put the lid on the pot and allow the water to continue boiling for about seven minutes. Check your vegetables by poking them with a fork. If the fork goes in with only a little resistance, your veggies are ready to eat. If not, close the lid and steam for a few more minutes.
    Once your vegetables are steamed, put them on a plate and drizzle them with a little olive oil and some balsamic vinegar, or with the flavored vinegar of your choice (raspberry is a favorite of mine), or with lemon juice, or with whatever salad dressing you have on hand. A little salt and pepper will add flavor. You can stick sparklers in them if you want. They’re not quite ka— POWl , but if you’re trying to get a little sleeker (and you’re not nursing a crack habit or an eating disorder), sometimes you have to pick vegetables over cake.
    Luckily, not often.
    LOSING WEIGHT SHOULDN’T be a painful proposition:
    Think spa not labor camp .
    Think about simple food, served elegantly: one perfect pear, sliced and fanned on a bed of fresh greens; a handful of strawberries, cleaned and hulled, served chilled in your favorite tea cup; a steak, grilled or pan-fried to perfection, served with freshly ground sea salt.
    The important thing is that you’re eating until you feel satisfied, and that everything you eat is delicious. Take walks through your local farmers market, buying the plumpest, juiciest-looking produce you can find. Have histrionic sex marathons with your partner, changing positions often. Drink lots of water, but make sure you’re having it restaurant-style, in a glass with ice and a straw and a slice of lemon.
    Let your beautiful body find its own stasis.
    Don’t ever starve yourself.
THE BACON QUOTIENT

    THERE’S NEVER ENOUGH BACON.
    When you go to a restaurant and order breakfast you usually only receive three or four measly little strips bookended by far too much toast and a greasy mound of semiraw hash browns. Even ordering an additional side of bacon only makes six or eight strips, total. And these are strips the size of Band-Aids, carbonized into chalky blackened mouthfuls of bacon-flavored charcoal briquette! So not only do you not get enough bacon in restaurants, you generally don’t feel satisfied by the bacon you’re having. The whole thing’s disappointing. You might as well order the fruit and yogurt plate. It’s not like you’re going to feel good about your breakfast anyway.
    I was sick of never getting enough quality bacon. So one day I decided to see how much bacon would be enough. I knew it was definitely more than four strips, and almost certainly more than eight. I knew the bacon would have to be good. I was pretty sure enough bacon would be a lot .
    The thing was, I had the day off. Not much to do. I had a big unopened package of bacon in the refrigerator and a cast-iron skillet on my range-top, scrubbed out and seasoned with oil. It seemed like if Iwas ever going to find out how much bacon was enough, the only way to get at that knowledge would be to simply start frying strips of pork in my pan. To eat. And then to stop, once the crucial bacon quotient—the BO—had been achieved. It would be elegant, a simple Scientific Method two-step. I considered taking notes, then decided the note-taking would interfere with