Free The Beautiful Between by Alyssa B. Sheinmel Page A

no terrible fall, no fatal accident: he was sick. He was sick, and I think the only reason Jeremy sought me out in the lunchroom that day was because whatever he had is like whatever Kate has and Jeremy thought there might be some wisdom I could impart about how you get through the death of a loved one. He never thought I was cool; he never cared about helping me with physics. That doesn’t make me angry; he was looking for help from me. But I was two years old; a two-year-old doesn’t even know enough to know that she’s getting through something. And I’m just as clueless now. At sixteen, I still haven’t gotten past what happened to my father. How can I have gotten past it when I don’t know what it is?
    I think that whatever’s wrong with Kate can somehow tell me what was wrong with my dad.
    At lunch, Jeremy finds me at the usual table. I’m waiting for him; I have my physics book with me in case we start working. I hurried so I’d be here if he came looking for me. I didn’t even grab food. Now that he’s here, I realize I’m starving and glance hungrily at the bagel table.
    “Sternin. Still no Alexis?” He sits beside me.
    “Nope.”
    “Well, rehab, you know. She’ll be back in twenty-eight days.”
    “That’s the standard. Of course, the really sick ones stay longer.”
    “Of course.”
    Neither of us thinks this banter is particularly funny, since neither of us thinks that Alexis had a drug problem. I decide to test the waters.
    “It’s hard, you know, to see someone making herself sick like that when there are people we love who didn’t have a choice in the matter.”
    I can’t believe I really just said that. I certainly don’t mean it. But I go on.
    “Maybe,” I continue, “that’s why we’re so fascinated by her when everyone else needs to think it was a drug problem, you know?”
    Jeremy shrugs. “Listen, Sternin, no offense, but I don’t like to talk about shit like this in school.”
    I’m embarrassed now for bringing it up, for asking that question.
    “I’m sorry.”
    “It’s okay—I probably should … I don’t know.” He looks around the cafeteria. Everyone seems to be having so much more fun than we are. Jeremy would never transform all the kids into knights and ladies, the teachers into earls and duchesses. He’d never understand if I told him that I give the different teachers’ lounges names like the Earldom of Literary Greats, the Duchy of Scientific Stresses. He doesn’t see a royal court; he just sees girls in their short skirts, with tall boots and just the right shoulder bags; boys in baseball caps and loose jeans. How does everyone else spend the time that I spend spinning in my head? I would be bored; then I would be lonely.
    Three sophomores walk right past us, blatantly staring at Jeremy. I try not to laugh when one of them slips on her high heel. We’re not supposed to wear high heels to school, and her skirt is so short I can almost see her underwear. Jeremy raises his eyebrows at me to show that he doesn’t find that attractive.
    “You looked freaked-out in physics today,” he says finally.
    I’m relieved, both for the help he’s offering and because this is a topic I know how to talk about. “Oh God, I really, really was. I didn’t know what was going on.”
    “Not to worry, though it doesn’t look like we’re going to get anything done during lunch. Let’s get in some tutoring before tonight’s cig break—I’ll come over around eight, okay?”
    Jeremy is a Physics Knight in Shining Armor.
    “Okay.”
    “Later, Sternin.” And Jeremy leans over and kisses me on the cheek goodbye. In front of everyone. In the lunchroom. I press my calves back against the metal legs of the chair, make myself stay seated, like that kiss was nothing at all.
    After school, I change into my pajamas and swallow three Advil without water, hoping that it will cure my new headache, hoping it will go away before Jeremy gets here. I lie on top of the blankets on