Free Stuff Hipsters Hate by Brenna Ehrlich, Andrea Bartz Page A

mini-fridge.
     
     
    And, if you’re really lucky, maybe we will take this party over to your king-sized bed, which appears to be laden with more pillows and cushions than my Aunt Margie’s nursing home twin. I severely doubt that you hand-crocheted those black leather numbers, though. Am I right? I assume that you will have to remove each and every pillow first, though, thereby creating enough room to—Oh, wait…what the fuck am I saying? There’s no way in hell that I would ever sleep with you. I will take that Coors, though.”
     
    —Tulia L., 28, bike messenger and dancer
     

TRADITIONAL CLOTHING RECEPTACLES
     

    Clothes on the floor A hardwood floor conveniently serves as both hamper and dresser to a hipster. Outfit-making is easy when all your options are equally crumpled, easily spotted and all sporting an identical film of cigarette ash and dust.
     
    Clothes on the bed These were peeled off and intended for the laundry after the owner thoroughly dampened them at Pete’s dance party (where the impromptu jazz saxophone/acoustic guitar battle was so vigorous the group sweated out all the whiskey they’d consumed). But now that he’s grown accustomed to the smell, he’s loath to remove the heap, which doubles as an extra layer on chilly nights.
     
    Clothes on the windowsill The owner’s not sure how these articles ended up here (maybe during that drunken hook-up with Jess?), but they’ve been serving as a nice window insulator for several weeks now.
     

IKEA
     

    Hipsters truly have a love/hate relationship with that Swedish pleasure palace known as IKEA. While they delight in the low, low prices ($14 for a coffee table! Crazy!), delicious meatballs and cornucopia of weird food with Swedish labels, the store itself is basically one big hipster panic attack waiting to happen. What with the lack of natural light, towering ceilings and confusing products ( Where the fuck are the curtains?! What is this metal thing over here next to this pile of other metal things?! Do I really need this sponge?! ), in no time at all, the average hipster goes from skipping down the aisles, bursting with feverish delight, to rocking back and forth in the “As Is” section as Smash Mouth’s “I Can’t Get Enough of You Baby” issues from the overhead speakers.
     

TELEVISION
     

    “No, I do not own a television. I feel like American society is far too focused on the specter of the TV set—it looms in the center of the living room like some great all-consuming beast that the entire family is forced to bow down and pray to each night for at least three hours. Moreover, the majority of the programming is either unoriginal or just plain fucking annoying. Maybe if the slobbering masses tore their eyes away from motherfucking hospital dramas every once in a while and read a book, our country wouldn’t be so woefully ignorant. Besides, I can watch anything I want on Surf the Channel, and I only ever really watch Gossip Girl , anyway…and 90210 …and some stuff on ABC Family ’cause it’s so fucking weird…and the Wonder Years , now that all six seasons are up on YouTube.”
     
    —Jordie H., 28, silk-screener
     

FLUORESCENT LIGHTS
     

    KASEY: Why is it so dark in here?
     
    MARJORIE: Oh, the overhead light burned out, like, three months ago. I have this really awesome table lamp I found on the street, though, see?
     
    KASEY: Why don’t you change the bulb? I mean, how can you see anything?
     
    MARJORIE: I dunno. Haven’t got around to it. Anyway, I hate that fluorescent shit—it reminds me of, like, institutions and hospitals and stuff.
     
    KASEY: You mean well-lit places?
     
    MARJORIE: Yeah, but places like that are so sterile. God, why must we have the lights on all the time, anyway? You know, like in grocery stores where they leave the lights on all night? That’s so fucking wasteful. In the old days, before electricity, farmers went to bed when the sun went down because it was dark and that meant the