Free I Love You, Beth Cooper by Larry Doyle Page A

“You can’t go…yet.”
    He needed a reason for them to stay. He had a hundred-dollar bill in his wallet, a graduation present from Aunt Brenda, but it might be awkward trying to split it three ways. Also, potentially insulting. His Diamond Series Extra-Extended Special Edition Lord of the Rings Trilogy Blue-Ray HD Box Set? If they started watching it now…
    â€œWe haven’t drunk the wine!” Rich declared.
    Of course! The forbidden wine!
    â€œTwenty-three bottles!” Denis added, parallel-processing how much time it would take them to drink that much wine and how much trouble each successive bottle would get him into.
    â€œI don’t like wine,” Treece said. “Unless it’s in a cooler-type situation.”
    Denis hoisted a two-liter bottle of Diet Blackberry Sprite above his head. “We got coolers!” he said triumphantly, as the sweaty bottle slid out of his sweaty hands and exploded on the kitchen floor.
    Goddammit.
    Rich jumped into the social abyss. “And music!” He handed the iCube to Denis. “Wine, women, and 5,000 songs!”
    â€œWell, I haven’t loaded that many yet,” said Denis, shaking soda off his shoes. “But I did put together a special playlist for the occasion. A ‘Commencement Mix’—”
    â€œDJ C’s Slammin’ Graduation,” Rich quickly saved.
    â€œOr that.” Denis pushed.From the iCube came 53Hz to 16kHz of seventies mellowness:
    Life, so they say, is but a game
    and we let it slip away
    â€œSlammin’,” Cammy said.
    â€œThat’s more for chilling,” Rich said. “Ironic chilling.”
    Denis pressed advance. Out came languid fifties harmonies:
    There’s a time for joy, a time for tears…
    â€œMy mom helped me put this together,” Denis explained.
    A time we’ll treasure through the years…
    Denis ripped the iPod out of the cube and started scrolling through the list. “There’s real music on here,” he said, spinning. “That Einstein’s Brain song, HappyTalk, the Licks…you like Very Sad Boy, right?”
    Beth touched his elbow. He looked up. She gazed into his good eye.
    They really could have kissed ergonomically.
    â€œWe do kind of have to go,” she said. “Thanks. It was a great party.”
    She moved in to kiss him, hesitating.
    Was it the smell? The smell of fear and pathos?
    No, it was she didn’t want to hurt him. She kissed the other, uninjured cheek.
    â€œBye.”
    The simultaneous bursting and breaking of Denis’s heart was drowned out by a tremendous roar. Blinding lights engulfed the front of the house. Denis’s first thought was it had to be the Apocalypse, but it was something much, much worse.

8.
MORE WAFFLES

    BIFF WILCOX IS LOOKING FOR YOU, RUSTY JAMES. HE’S GONNA KILL YOU, RUSTY JAMES.
    MIDGET
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    â€œSHIT,” Beth said. “Kevin.”

9.
PARTY MONSTERS

    NUNCHUCK SKILLS, BOWHUNTING SKILLS, COMPUTER HACKING SKILLS…GIRLS ONLY WANT BOYFRIENDS WHO HAVE GREAT SKILLS.
    NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
    Â 
    DENIS WAS DEAD. This much was certain. The only real question was whether, as he was dying, would Denis cry, or beg, or scream like a girl, or lose control of his bowels, or in some other way abase himself, robbing his demise of the tragic gravitas he felt it deserved. Denis considered hitting the bathroom as a precaution, but Rich and the girls had already rushed to the front of the house, leaving him standing there alone, looking silly without even the simple dignity of being dead.
    And his face hurt.
    Reflexively, Denis reached up to touch his battered eye and poked it with the iPod he was holding.
    â€œ Yiye!” he said in response to this relatively minor amount of pain. He was not going to do well, being stabbed, or stomped, or whatever cause of death his killer had chosen.
    Denis looked down at his iGouger.
    Â 
    Goodbye to You
    Michelle Branch
    The