Free The Lonely by Tara Brown Page B

the floor. He was holding someone, kissing them. The crack in the
floor is big enough I can see the bad things in the dirty house. I can't close
my eyes.
    My
mind closes off before anything else comes up. I get sick again, mostly in my
mind. There is nothing left inside of me.
    "What
else happened to you Emalyn?" He is beside the door. His voice is soft.
    I
shake my head, "I don’t know."
    "You
do."
    "I
swear I don’t. My mind won't let me remember." With the door between us I
feel the best I ever have about our relationship. I love having him there but
not able to touch me. All of the things I'm thinking come to a conclusion.
"I can't see you anymore."
    "Em.
Don't."
    I
swallow and wipe my face, gripping the small garbage can. "I can't. I'm
never going to grow past here. This is it. I'm always going to want to be where
we are. Never moving beyond this."
    "I
can wait. We've only been at this a short amount of time." His voice is
desperate.
    "It's
cruel to ask you to hold out." Tears fill my eyes, they try to make the
kaleidoscopes but I blink them back. I don’t deserve a different view of
things. "I'm never going to change." I stand and dump the pail in the
toilet. I rinse it out with hand soap and dry it with a towel.
    "Em,
don’t do this. You're doing so well."
    The
sentence stings coming from him. It shows me the truth.
    "You
like that I'm broken. You want to be my hero and my knight. You want me to need
you to keep me safe." I mutter. I pray he didn’t hear it.
    I
look at myself in the mirror. I see her still. The dead girl who never made it
out of the scary house alive. I see her. I'll always see her. She is me. I am
not the girl who lived and found food on the streets. I'll never be that girl.
I'm the dead girl who didn’t make it out. I've been living for us both, but I
need to start seeing things for what they are. She is one of the only memories
I have of the dirty house. She is the only one I need.
    My
dead fish eyes stare back at me. I splash water on my face and let it come in
and take over. I'm not afraid when I open the door. The look of terror and fear
that was on my face, has traumatized him. I know he won't touch me again. Even
if I beg him to.
    He
looks hurt and beaten down. I walk past him. I feel for my cell in my pocket
and pick up my runners. I don’t hunt down my shirt. I would rather be nearly
naked, and just in my bra, than collect my things and see him.
    I
leave.
    I
don’t say anything.
    There
are no words.
     
     
     

Chapter Seven
     
     
     
    "He
just wants to see you. Just once." Her eyes are shiny and desperate.
    I
shake my head, "Why? So I can look at him like he's a rapist again? So I
can throw up when he touches me?"
    She
slumps on the bed, "Can't you just be his friend?"
    I
swallow down my bile, "No. I can't. He makes me think things. He makes me
want things. But I'm not strong enough to have them."
    She
squeezes my hand, "Em, you are. We made it this far."
    I
smile, "I know. I'm happy about this far Shell. I like it here. I want to
finish school and have a normal life. I'm cool with my normal being what it
is."
    She
shakes her head, "No. I don’t believe it." She gets up and leaves the
room.
    There
is a knock on the door after she is gone for a minute. I see her keys on the
bedside table and moan. I climb off the bed and open the door. I can't breathe
when I see him. He steps in and closes the door. His hands reach for mine. His
skin burns me. His eyes are desperate and wild.
    "W-what
are y-you d-doing here?" I am almost frozen in fear.
    He
steps back and presses his back against the door, letting go of me. I step
back, making a large gap between us.
    "I
needed to see you."
    I
like that word need. I like that he needs me. I'm a selfish bitch.
    "I
needed to say goodbye in person. I never got to say the things I wanted
to."
    My
heart aches instantly.
    "I
love you, Em. It's silly and fast and too much for what I get in return. But I
do. You've got me on the run, chasing you all the