Free Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella Page A

surreptitiously on his BlackBerry. Frank is staring at the ceiling.
    Music crashes from the TV. The camera pans to the TV screen. Black-and-white writing reads ‘The End’.
    MUM
    There! Wasn’t that amazing? Wasn’t it just the most gripping story?
    FRANK
    It was all right.
    MUM
    ‘All right’? Darling, it was DICKENS.
    FRANK
    (patiently)
    Yeah. It was Dickens and it was all right.
    MUM
    Well, it was better than one of your inane computer games, you have to admit that.
    FRANK
    No it wasn’t.
    MUM
    Of course it was.
    FRANK
    It wasn’t.
    MUM
    (erupts)
    Are you telling me that your ridiculous games can compete with a classic Dickens story? I mean, take the characters! Take Magwitch! Magwitch is unique!
    FRANK
    (unimpressed)
    Yeah, there’s a Magwitch character in
LOC
too. Only he has, like, a better backstory than the Dickens one. He’s a convict, the same, but he can help any competitor.
    AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)
    He transfers powers.
    FRANK
    Except the competitor has to take on one of his crimes and pay the penalty—
    AUDREY (V.O.)
    Exactly. So you have to choose which power structure to go in at. And—
    FRANK
    Shut up, Aud! I’m explaining. Except you don’t know which penalty you’ve got till they make the choice. So it’s like a gamble, only the more you play, the more you can work it out. It’s awesome.
    Mum is looking from Frank to Audrey and back again, in total bafflement.
    MUM
    OK, this makes no sense to me. None. What power structures? What is that?
    FRANK
    If you played, you’d find out.
    AUDREY (V.O.)
    Magwitch is a pretty amazing character.
    MUM
    Exactly! Thank you.
    A slight pause.
    MUM
    The Dickens Magwitch or the
LOC
Magwitch?
    AUDREY (V.O.)
    The
LOC
Magwitch, of course.
    FRANK
    The Dickens one is just a bit . . .
    MUM
    (sharply)
    What? What’s wrong with the Dickens Magwitch? What could be wrong with one of the great literary characters of our time?
    FRANK
    He’s less interesting.
    AUDREY (V.O.)
    Exactly.
    FRANK
    Two-dimensional.
    AUDREY (V.O.)
    I mean, he doesn’t DO anything.
    FRANK
    (kindly)
    No offence. I’m sure Dickens was a great guy.
    MUM
    (to DAD)
    Are you hearing this?

Mum’s been pissed off with us ever since Dickensgate. She made us tidy our rooms today, which hardly ever happens, and she found a cheeseburger in Frank’s room and it all kicked off.
    I don’t mean a cheeseburger carton, I mean an actual cheeseburger. He’d taken about two bites and put it back into the box and left it on the floor, like, weeks ago. It was buried under a pile of rank sports kit. The weird thing is, the cheeseburger didn’t moulder. It kind of fossilized. It was pretty gross.
    Mum started on the hugest lecture about rats and vermin and hygiene, but Frank waved her away and said, ‘I have to go, Mum – Linus is, like, a minute away. You always say we have to be polite to guests and greet them.’ He stomped downstairs and I felt a bit swoopy in my stomach.
    Linus again. I didn’t think we’d be seeing so much of Linus while Frank was banned from computers.
    Mum obviously thought the same thing, because she looked a bit thrown and called down the stairs, ‘He does know about your computer ban, doesn’t he?’ and Frank said impatiently, ‘Of course.’ Then he added, as he swung round into the hall, ‘But Linus can play
LOC
on my computer while he’s here, can’t he?’
    Mum looked a bit flummoxed. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. A moment later she was heading off to her bedroom, saying, ‘Chris? Chris, what do you think of this?’
    That was all about ten minutes ago. I know Linus is here because I heard him arrive a few minutes ago. He went straight into the playroom with Frank and I guess they fired up
LOC
straight away. Meanwhile I could hear Mum and Dad in discussion in their bedroom.
    ‘It’s the principle!’ Mum kept saying. ‘He’s got to learn!’
    I think Dad was on the ‘They’re only kids, it’s all fairly harmless’ tack and Mum was on the ‘Screens