Free I'm the One That I Want by Margaret Cho Page A

dating back to 1979.
    He kept insisting on the three-way, though, and one night I just had enough. When he was out working his shift at Shenanigan’s, Trace came over to his apartment and we packed all my stuff in boxes and ran into the night, laughing our asses off the entire time, thinking about his hair falling out the moment he realized that I had left him.
    I went to my parents’ house, and he called me in shock.
    “Baby. Why, why are you doing this to us? I thought things were so good between us. What is it?”
    “I don’t know what to say. I am sorry.”
    Hearing his tiny, hurt voice over the phone made me instantly regret everything. I was scared that I would never make another man as sad again, and knowing that I had that power over Bob made me want to stay with him.
    But as I was considering it, he got all mad and hung up on me. I started to laugh and cry at the same time. He was so ridiculous and dramatic, but it was exhilarating because it was being directed at me. I had never felt that I was the object of anyone’s desire, much less passionate rage. It was powerful and scary. The phone rang again and I picked it up. It was silent on the other end.
    “Hello? Hello?”
    No sound, or maybe just hair falling on the floor.
    “Hello? Bob?”
    “Who do you think it is, bitch?”
    He hung up again.
    This went on for quite a long time. He finally got tired of calling and hanging up, but I insisted on getting my money back from him, so we arranged to meet the following week, once things had cooled down a bit.
    We met at the Chattanooga Café, a run-down old coffee house on Haight Street. Bob was late, and I was anxious. Finally, he walked in wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt and a brand new bald spot. I felt sorry for him, and knew that if I just said that I wanted him back, it would make everything so much more pleasant, but I didn’t want to do that, no matter how uncomfortable I was.
    I always want to please people. I hate it when someone is mad at me. It is so frightening. I will bend over backward to make sure everything is okay. That is probably why I stayed in this relationship so long, because I knew that he’d be angry if I tried to leave. I never did learn my lesson. I’ve stayed this way my entire life. At least now I pay more attention to my own happiness, and try to remember that it comes first.
    Bob smiled and said, “I’m not proud of my behavior.”
    I was so relieved. He was apologizing to me!
    “Oh, Bob, it’s okay. You had a right to be angry. I mean, it was all me. I am so sorry.”
    “Oh, Baby, that is like sweet music to my ears. You don’t know how hard this has been. I miss you so bad.”
    “I, I . . .” I didn’t miss him. I didn’t miss him. I was so happy without him . . . but I said it anyway.
    “I miss you really bad, too.”
    His face lit up even more.
    “So when are you gonna come back? I mean, you don’t have to move back in right away. Maybe we should take it slow. Just see each other a few nights a week. Get to know each other again. It’s so wonderful. I knew that you wouldn’t let me down. I . . .”
    “No. I can’t. I thought you understood. I’m not coming back. I don’t—I don’t want this. I don’t want this. I am so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, Bob. I just . . .”
    He got sweaty looking at me. He was so mad I could see him getting red.
    “Bob. Bob. Are you okay?”
    After a small period of sweat and silence, he pulled out a wad of bills from his pocket. “That’s $300. You can count it if you don’t trust me.”
    “Of course I trust you. Do you want something to drink?”
    I searched for something to say to comfort him. I tried being playful.
    “Why don’t you buy me a milk shake?”
    He exploded.
    “WHY DON’T YOU BUY ONE YOURSELF! YOU ARE LOADED!!!!”
    I tried to stay calm, like it was totally normal for this prematurely middle-aged man to be screaming at me in the cafe. I got up and ordered a chocolate milk shake at the counter and