Free Who Are You? by Elizabeth Forbes Page B

need each other. And for a while, just a short while, while he fucks her as hard as he is capable, his mind escapes to a better world altogether. Afterwards he pulls her into him and wraps his arms around her. He nestles his head close to hers and then he whispers into her ear: ‘You are mine, all mine, and I couldn’t live without you.’ Juliet doesn’t respond, so after a few moments Alex says, ‘You hear me?’
    ‘Yes, Alex, I hear you,’ Juliet sighs.

CHAPTER
    5
    Juliet is up and in the shower before Alex or Ben have stirred. Sometimes she loathes Alex so much she has to stop herself from getting a blunt instrument and smashing him over the head. She feels dizzy with it and has to breathe slowly to get herself under control. All the time Alex had been fucking her last night, all she could see was Caroline Hunt’s face smirking at her. Fucking. That’s what they do, she and Alex. Or rather that’s what he does to her. She doesn’t think he’s really with her any more. She’s not even sure if he remembers who she is – or even whether he’s aware that she’s actually there – when he’s driving himself into her. One time she imagined that she was the enemy, and his prick was a bayonet, stabbing away at her insides, until finally when he came, it was as though his life was ending. His eyes, even when open, are unseeing, as if there’s a film over them blocking his focus. He doesn’t seem to notice that she is withdrawing deeper and deeper inside herself; that she is searching for somewhere to hide away – somewhere safe in her head, if not her body. He doesn’t seem to realize that she no longer responds to him; that her limbs are flaccid and lifeless beneath him. He doesn’t seem to realize that he could be fucking a dead body, for all the response he gets. She scratches the shampoo into her scalp, feeling the rake of her sharp nails. If she could just scrub the dirty feelings away. She rinses the soap out of her hair, and then takes the shower head from the clip and runs it all over her skin, imagining the hot jets washing away the contamination of her husband’s body. Is it time to admit he’s beyond help? That they are both beyond help? This house, everything she’s been trying to salvage for the sake of Ben, for herself, for the salvation of Alex, is running away and she’s unable to stop it, like the water pouring through her fingers. He’s like one of those retired Army guard dogs that’s too fierce to be turned into a pet and so the only thing for it is to put it down.
    It seems that too much time has passed for talking – to her, that is. One night she heard him screaming, begging almost: ‘I don’t want to die … please God … don’t let me die.’ She thought her heart had fractured. All she wanted to do was to gather him into her arms, but she didn’t dare risk it in case he attacked her. Sleeping beside Alex is a bit like sleeping in a minefield. If she kicks him or nudges him he is more than likely to explode into a full-on assault. How can you watch the man you love disintegrate like this? A man who’s fought and survived the bloodiest of battles, a man with medals to show how damned good he is, but who’s afraid to show his emotions just in case he might be considered weak. Weak. Now there’s a word. A word that doesn’t exist if you’re a trained warrior. She has said to him so many times, ‘Alex, it’s OK not to be strong all the time, it’s OK to be weak’, and all she’s got in return is his blank, unseeing stare of dismissal, as if she barely exists. Christ, what she’s had to put up with. And now this.
    Is she supposed to feel OK about Caroline Hunt? How many women would really feel OK with their husband removing another woman’s knickers? And what will Caroline Hunt do about Alex? What would Juliet do if she were Caroline? Juliet – if she were Caroline – would spread the word that Alex had molested her. She’d have to do that in order to take the