Free Waiting by Ha Jin Page B

refuse to spend time with her alone in town? Did he have another woman in his mind? Unlikely. Pingping Ma had left the army the year before, and Lin had treated her merely as a tomboy; he and that girl had just been book pals. Whom was he close to these days? No one except Manna herself. Still, he might've been seeing another woman. No, if so, it couldn't escape her notice since she saw him every day. Then why did he seem to have no desire for her at all?
    Manna feared that in his eyes she might be a different woman now. How she regretted having listened to Haiyan.
    They passed the medical building, which looked like a green knoll because of its mossy tiles. Two lights flashed on inside. There was a meeting at seven o'clock to study a document recently issued by the Central Committee, which demanded that all the revolutionary rebels fight with words instead of force. Lin would have to attend the meeting, while Manna should get ready for the night shift.
    Haiyan was surprised when Manna handed the key back to her. Manna explained that they had to keep their promise made to Ran Su and that they shouldn't break the rule.
    Haiyan said, "Hmm, I didn't know Lin Kong was such a loyal friend. A good man indeed. No wonder somebody called him 'a model monk.'''
    "Like I said, he isn't a bold man."
    "But doesn't he love you? Maybe he's no good in bed."
    "Come on, he made a baby with his wife, a very healthy one."
    Haiyan sighed feebly and clasped her hands. "To be honest, Manna, perhaps he doesn't love you enough to run the risk. Are you sure you know his heart?"
    She didn't respond, still uncertain why Lin wouldn't go to bed with her. She felt that there must have been something more than the reason he had given. Many men broke rules for the women they loved, and some did not regret having done that even when they were punished. How come Lin was so different from others? Did he really love her? Why was he so passionless? Did his refusal mean he was reluctant to get embroiled with her?
    Gradually Haiyan's words sank in.

8
    In spite of his calm appearance, Lin was quite disturbed by Manna's boldness. That same night, lying in bed, he reviewed the details of their meeting in his mind and felt he was right to ask her to return the key to Haiyan. If he had not opposed her wish, there would definitely be disastrous consequences. Ever since he made his promise to Ran Su, he had tried to cool down his passion for Manna, always reminding himself that he must not fall too deeply in love with her. To his mind, it was still unclear whether their relationship could develop fully and end in marriage, which would require him to divorce his wife first. He had better not rush it.
    Outside the window, raindrops were dripping from the eaves, producing a light ding-ding-ding sound. With his eyes closed tight, Lin tried to go to sleep. But a voice rose in his head, asking, Don't you want to make love to Manna?
    He was startled by the question, but replied, Not now. Sex is out of the question. It would ruin both of us.
    You really don't want to sleep with her? the voice persisted.
    No, honestly no. I love her and am attached to her, but that has nothing to do with sex. Our love is not based on the flesh.
    Really? You have no desire for her at all?
    I can control my desire. At this point of my life I must treat her as a comrade only.
    That's a lie. Why don't you talk and walk with another comrade every day? You and she have already formed a special bond, haven't you?
    All right, that's true, but the bond doesn't have to be sexual. We love each other. That's enough.
    What? You're too rational.
    I'm a doctor and an officer. My profession demands that I be a rational man.
    Don't you think you might have hurt her feelings by refusing her offer?
    I'm not sure. If I did, it couldn't be helped. I didn't hurt her on purpose. She can forgive me, can't she? Can't she see I had her interest in mind as well when I said we shouldn't do this?
    The voice fell silent, and