Free Jump! by Jilly Cooper Page B

very top windows like eyes looking out over the trees, so people can’t tell how badly they’re behaving.’
    ‘Not the Corinna Waters?’ squeaked Etta in excitement. ‘She’s marvellous. I loved her in The Cherry Orchard , and she and Seth were wonderful in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and Seth was so sexy as Valmont.’
    ‘You’re quite a groupie, Mrs Bancroft,’ said Dora approvingly.
    ‘My son Martin and his wife are on a course, among other things, to get celebrities involved in raising money for charity,’ explained Etta. ‘Do you think Corinna, Seth and Bonny might …’
    ‘I don’t think so.’ Dora shook her head until her ponytail whacked her ears. ‘The only charity Corinna and Seth would subscribe to is themselves.
    ‘They come here to relax from prying eyes, or pretend they do. Corinna gets cross if she isn’t recognized. Seth is seriously naughty. Corinna likes the privacy to sunbathe in the nude – body’s a bit past its best, think she’s about ten or fifteen years older than Seth. Major Cunliffe, the one leaning on his horn just now, pretends to be birdwatching, but he’s looking through his binoculars at Corinna. You can see the Cunliffes’ garden from here, blazing with colour on the other side of the village green.
    ‘I wouldn’t think,’ mused Dora, ‘that there’s a huge amount of love lost between Bonny Richards and Corinna. Both regard themselves as serious actresses, although everyone, including my mother, wants to get off with Valent Edwards. I don’t know why, he’s quite rude and seriously old, at least sixty-five.
    ‘Seth Bainton is well fit for an older man,’ acknowledged Dora. ‘He’s a great friend of your son-in-law Alan, Mrs Bancroft. I think he and Corinna are a bit into wife-swapping, or partner-swapping as they’re not married. Seth is known as Mr Bulging Crotchester,’ giggled Dora as they set off up the road, ‘and he’s mad aboutyour granddaughter Trixie, but then all the men are. She’s the hottest girl at Bagley Hall except for my friend Bianca Campbell-Black.’
    ‘Rupert’s daughter?’ sighed Etta. ‘Rupert really is gorgeous.’
    ‘My mother adores Rupert too, even though he’s extremely rude to her, sensible man. She doesn’t approve of Seth Bainton but she fancies him rotten. Seth has an excellent greyhound called Priceless, who he refuses to castrate so he’s always jumping on other people’s dogs and crapping in the high street. Debbie Cunliffe, she’s the bossyboots with the brilliantly coloured garden, married to the major, would like both Seth and Priceless castrated. She organized a meeting recently to discuss ways Willowwood could be improved. Seth suggested a casino, a betting shop, a massage parlour, and Debbie and the Major going back to Surrey. Debbie was furious.’
    ‘Seth’s awfully attractive,’ said Etta, accepting a toffee from Dora, hoping it wouldn’t pull her bridge out.
    Reaching the top of the village, they passed a lovely eighteenth-century house covered in scaffolding, iron bars and platforms on all levels.
    ‘Awful,’ spluttered Dora. ‘Like some woman with curlers, braces on her teeth and having every inch of her body lifted. This house, believe it or not, was called Primrose Cottage. It’s been bought by a dreadful porn billionaire called Lester Bolton, known as Bolton Wandering because he’s such a groper. He paid two mil for Primrose Cottage, has renamed it Primrose Mansions, and is chucking another four mil at it, and not moving in for a year or two either. He can’t cock it up too much because English Heritage is breathing down his neck.’
    Etta couldn’t stop laughing and patting Cadbury.
    ‘Bolton,’ went on Dora, ‘has a child-bride second wife called Cindy, the most frightful giggling chav who calls herself an actress and stars in all his porn films.’

12

    After providing and receiving so much information, Dora and Etta had a rest on a bench on the edge of the village green,