Free Forgive Me by Eliza Freed Page A

my proper use of steer wrestling vocabulary.
    *  *  *
    Jason walks into my house and straight to the shower. He turns the water on and takes a towel out of the linen closet as if he lives here. He kind of does. I drop my denim jacket and purse on the floor, and try to pull my dress over my head but it catches on something and scrapes my back. It’s pinned to me. I turn on the light to see my back in the mirror. My dress is torn. There’s dried blood on it and it’s sticking to my back—to a cut on my back. This is what happens when you have sex against a tree.
    “Let me see,” he says, and turns me around. He pulls the dress from my back in a motion that reminds me of my father ripping a Band-Aid off, and I wince. Jason grabs some toilet paper and covers the cut. “I’m sorry, Annie.” I turn toward Jason and he keeps his hand holding the toilet paper over the cut. His face is drawn with concern. “Believe it or not, I do try and control myself around you.”
    “Don’t worry about my body.” I pull his face toward mine, holding it in both hands. “It’s never felt anything as amazing as you inside of it.” At this Jason relaxes. “Worry about my wardrobe.”
    “Charlotte Anne! I thought I told you not to fall in love with a cowboy.” My mother looks even prettier when she’s angry. She’s in my bedroom, standing over my bed, as I try to wake-up. “I know you are awake and you hear me,” she says, proving she is not going anywhere.
    “Mom, you can’t choose who you fall in love with.”
    “Oh honey, you can. And you are making the wrong choice.”
    “Aren’t you supposed to say you’ll support me no matter who I love?”
    “No baby, that’s only in the movies. Real moms tell you the truth. I don’t want you in his world and he’s not going to like it in yours.”
    “I can’t let him go. I’ve lost too much.”
    “What have you lost, Charlotte?” I try to remember what I’ve lost. It’s been so much. I’ve been through so much. What is it? Why can’t I think of what I’ve lost?
    I wake up crying and frustrated. Jason rolls over and puts his arm around me.
    “What’s wrong?”
    “I had a bad dream. My mother was in it,” I say, and leave off the part about Jason.
    “I still dream about my mother all the time,” he says sadly.
    “Was it easier that you had time to say good-bye? I wish I’d had a chance to say good-bye.”
    “How do you say good-bye to your mom?” Jason says, and I cry some more. He’s right. Time doesn’t help. You’re never old enough to lose your mom.
    “Annie, come to Oklahoma with me. Transfer to Oklahoma.” The dream of my mother runs through my head and the words of my brother. Be careful going home . Jason and I are lost souls, together. I don’t want to answer him. I don’t want to answer myself. I want to surrender to Jason again, to go to Oklahoma with him and live this life forever, but I know the answer for now is no and it brings neither of us any solace.
    I roll toward him, still locked under his iron arm, and slide down to bury my face in his chest.
    “You can’t hide from me, Annie.”
    “I know,” is all I say because he knows everything.

~ 10 ~
    “While all I can plead is your home is with me”
    I ’m folding laundry for what might be the first time all summer when my phone dings with a text from Julia. She and the rest of the Rutgers girls have been calling and texting every day. I rarely answer.
    Violet and I are going to the shore this weekend. Come with us.
    It’s too soon.
    The phone rings before I set it down. I know without looking it’s Julia, unhappy with my answer.
    “Hey,” I say, bracing myself.
    “You love the shore. Why won’t you come?”
    “I just think it’s too soon. I’m not ready for the shore,” I say, and cannot believe how weak I sound. My voice never sounds like this with Jason.
    “I called Jenn this morning. She told me you’ve been hanging out with the cowboy. What the hell is going