Free Hearts and Llamas by Tara Sivec Page A

states.
    "Um, jewelry?" I suggest, opening up my
insulated lunch bag and removing my ham sandwich.
    "Nice, but too over the top. Ooooh, what
about chocolate?" he asks me excitedly around a mouthful of
chips.
    "Seriously? Did you just suggest I get Claire
chocolate for Valentine's Day?" I ask in astonishment.
    "What? She doesn't like chocolate or
something? That's like, totally un-American."
    Before I can tell him what a jackass he is,
Jim walks over and plops down on the chair across from me.
    "What are we talking about, dick bags?"
    "We're talking about the stupidest holiday in
the world and what we're getting our wives," Drew tells him.
    "Ahhh, so Valentine's Day," Jim states.
    "Hey, did you know Claire doesn't like
chocolate? She must be allergic to it or something," Drew informs
Jim.
    Jim pauses in the process of opening up a bag
of Doritos and stares at Drew a few seconds before shaking his head
and sighing, then turns his attention back to me.
    "What are you getting Liz this year? Any fun
plans?" I ask him.
    "Hold on, I have a list," he tells me,
reaching into the back pocket of his jeans and pulling out a folded
piece of paper.
    "A list? What the hell do you need a list
for? What all are you buying her?" Drew asks in shock. "Awwww, man.
You're totally going to make us look like dill weeds, aren't
you?"
    Jim unfolds the paper and flattens it on the
table with the heel of his hand.
    "No, the list isn't because I'm buying her a
ton of shit and can't remember all of it. The list is from Liz. She
told me exactly what I'm supposed to get her," he explains.
    "Um, what? That doesn't sound very romantic
to me," I tell him in confusion.
    "Liz, sweetheart that she is, has come to
realize that I suck when it comes to Valentine's Day. Every year
she has this idea in her mind of what she wants me to do, and every
year I completely fuck it up. I ruin her day and she cuts me off
from sex for a week. After an incident that happened four years ago
with a pet llama for a day and floor seats to a Cavs game, I handed
the reins over to her. A week before Valentine's Day she writes
down exactly what I should do, and ever since she started doing
that, I have had a stress-free holiday and lots of good sex," Jim
explains.
    "Dude, a pet llama? How in the fuck could anyone hate that? That is just full of awesome right there,"
Drew tells him.
    "Right? I thought so too," Jim complains. "I
mean, Liz loves animals. And every time we're at the zoo she always
goes to the petting part and spends the entire time with the
llamas."
    "So what was the problem then?" I ask.
    "It was fine at first. I mean, the handler
showed up with the llama and explained to me what we needed to do
for the four hours we had it. The llama and I bonded before Liz got
home from work and I really thought she understood me. Boy was I
wrong."
     
    "Jim, I'm home! What time are we – SON OF A
BITCH! Why the fuck is there a giant rat with fur in our living
room?!" Liz screeched.
    I ran into the room from the kitchen and
came to a sudden stop when I saw Liz pinned against the door with
the llama right in her face sniffing her.
    "It's not a rat!" I whispered loudly as I
crept over to where they were. "Don't say that so loud. You'll
offend her."
    Liz looked around the llama's head and gave
me a dirty look.
    "I'll offend HER? What the hell is it doing
here?"
    I got next to them and reached over to pet
the llama to put everyone at ease.
    "Her name is Princess Sugar-Britches, and
she is your Valentine's Day present!"
    Liz didn't share in the excitement that I
obviously did. She inched her way out from under Princess
Sugar-Britches stare and punched me in the arm.
    "You brought a llama into the HOUSE?"
    I shrugged as PSB turned around and looked
me as if to say "What's this chick's problem?"
    "It's totally fine," I explained to Liz as
she paced back and forth behind the couch. "She's totally
housebroken. She'll go to the door and spit on it when she needs to
go out."
    That was probably the