Free Autumn Fire by Cameron D. James Page A

understand.” He led Dustin to his shoes at the door. “When a guy first pissed on me, I was like, ‘What the fuck?’ But after the second and third time, it started to grow on me.”
    Dustin tied his shoes. “Hmm. Maybe I just need to do it again to really love it.” Never, ever again.
    “It’s like sushi. Most people I know hate it the first time, but after the third time they’re hooked.”
    Dustin genuinely laughed. “That’s an interesting analogy. Piss to sushi.” Shame quickly replaced any humor he felt. He didn’t want to do piss-play again. He didn’t want to like it.
    All he wanted was to get out of there and go home.
    All he wanted was to take another shower.
    All he wanted was Kyle.
    He left, walking out in the tentative beginnings of a late-season rainfall. He decided to walk back to university. It would take an hour, but maybe the rain would help wash away the remnants of the night.
    One thought continued to ring through his mind.
    All I want is Kyle.

Six
     
    Thursday
     
    What did last night’s revelation mean?
    Dustin doodled in the margin of his notebook, ignoring the monotonous drone of the lecturer at the front of the room. His unfocused gaze sharpened on the subconscious movements of his hand. Beneath the abstract interconnected squares and swirls, etched in blue ink, he scrawled a word. Kyle.
    He stared at it, contemplating. Hesitantly, he crossed out the man’s name and formed the remnants of letters into undefined shapes.
    True and honest gay love was a myth. This was lust, nothing more. The sooner he moved on from Kyle, the better.
    Yet, as long as his notebook lay open across his desk, his gaze returned to Kyle’s name. Still discernible, he could pick it out if he really stared.
    When class ended and Dustin finally closed the cursed notebook with its captivating doodle, his phone vibrated. He slipped it out of his pocket and read the text message.
    Stefenie. The text confirmed the details of their date.
    He shoved his phone back in his pocket and marched heavy-footed out of the classroom. With an hour remaining before his next class, he couldn’t find an appetite for lunch so he found a quiet corner of a hallway and sat on the floor. He read Stefenie’s text again.
    Can I live a straight life? So many online profiles were for married men with a bi side—could that be his destiny? Those men obviously got their primal urges met without the messiness of a gay relationship. Random hookups in a darkened bathhouse couldn’t be too bad.
    Dustin tapped out a reply to Stefenie. He would give this date an honest try.
    He exited his chat history with Stefenie and opened Kyle’s. They hadn’t texted since their last tutoring session. The time stamp of the last message appeared ominous, as if the lack of texting confirmed Kyle wanted nothing to do with him. Dustin fought back his rising panic and didn’t give into his urgent desire to reach out to Kyle, to establish some sort of communication to soothe his worried mind.
    He crammed his phone back in his pocket, telling himself he wouldn’t pull it out again. Bringing his knees to his chest and resting his chin there, Dustin contemplated a straight life. It would be uncomplicated. It would also be unfulfilling.
    He could fuck a girl. He’d watched straight porn a few times out of curiosity. He could do it. Then, when the urges became too much, he could stop by the bathhouse for some anonymous cock and ass.
    As he proceeded through the remainder of his classes and his lonely dinner in the corner of the cafeteria, he struggled to justify going straight. Above all, Kyle needed someone who loved him intensely, something Dustin couldn’t do. Stefenie also needed love, and maybe he could learn to feel something for her.
    Back in his dorm room, Dustin stripped off his clothes and took a quick shower. After toweling himself dry, he pulled on his “straight clothes,” the jeans were a little looser and the shirt didn’t hug his chest so much.