Free Die of Shame by Mark Billingham Page A

shakes his head, bends down and squeezes in next to Chris. ‘Listen… I want you to know that whatever gets said at Tony’s has nothing to do with… this.’ He gestures towards the others. ‘With
us
, I mean. Naturally people are going to get upset in there and emotions are going to run high, but that’s part of it. All part of the process.’ His face is just inches from Chris’s. ‘It’s all useful in the end, OK? No hard feelings on my part.’ He puts a hand on Chris’s arm and rubs. ‘That’s all I wanted to say. Family, yes?’
    Chris stares straight ahead, unblinking, one finger drumming rapidly against the edge of the table, but when it becomes clear that Robin will not move until he’s had an acceptable response, he says, ‘Yeah.’
    Robin closes his eyes for a few seconds, then turns to the others and claps his hands together. ‘Right, then, who wants a wholly satisfying non-alcoholic beverage?’
    A few seconds after Robin has taken orders and gone to the bar, Chris stands up and walks back to the fruit machine in the far corner. He jams in a few coins and begins stabbing at the buttons.
    The three women watch him.
    ‘What’s the matter with him now?’ Caroline asks.
    Chris leans against the machine, that finger still drumming.
    Heather says, ‘He doesn’t like being forgiven.’

… THEN
     
     
Group Session: February 23rd
    Resolved issue with Chris and Caroline. Usual tricks from Chris throughout and my suspicions about his abstinence, or lack of it, are getting stronger week on week. He continues to play a ‘role’ – archetypal fear of authenticity – preferring to be disliked for who he pretends to be than who he really is. Suggested some more one-to-one sessions, but he didn’t seem keen.
 
     
    Exchange about cost of sessions initiated by Heather. Talked about fee differentials/support of outside services. Interesting exchange between Robin and Chris about ‘equality’ among addicts. Worth pursuing at a later session, I think.
 
     
    Robin’s S. Africa story was extremely revealing. Catharsis powerful and obvious. Chris still has doubts about relevance of shame in recovery process and was aggressive with Robin afterwards. Raised issue of Robin’s son which heightened tension further. Good to see Robin on the offensive for a change. Empowered by his own revelations? More convinced than ever that this is a worthwhile exercise.
 
     
    Did not ask for volunteers for next time. Would be good to draw Caroline out a little in future sessions, so may put her on spot. Thinking that spontaneity might be way forward. Given a week to prepare their stories, is it easier to self-censor?
 
     
    Tony puts the radio on to drown out the music from the floor above him; the repetitive thumping only marginally worse than the smell. The associations that go with the smell.
    He tunes to a phone-in, sits back and closes his eyes. The same station has a show on a different night which he listens to on catch-up if he can’t be at home when it goes out. A therapy phone-in. Some cut-price Frasier Crane dispensing faux pearls of idiocy that might just as well have come from a Christmas cracker. It annoys him, but he listens nonetheless, enjoying the anger as it builds and comes to the boil.
    How can you love others if you don’t love yourself?
 
    You need to get closure and move on.
 
    Try smiling more often.
 
    Jesus…
    It’s envy of course, pure and simple. He wouldn’t be much of a therapist if he couldn’t recognise that, though he doubts very much that the moron on the radio show could. He knows it’s the kind of show he should be doing himself, knows how good at it he would be. He has some media experience, after all, and he was always very good in front of an audience. Well, perhaps not at the end, but by then he had a hard time remembering which city he was playing in.
    Good evening, Birmingham.
 
    Coventry, you twat
…
 
    A nice radio job would be handy in terms of money as well,