Free Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again by Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko Page B
Authors: Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko
THAT EVERYONE I LOVE WILL ABANDON ME
EVIDENCE
IS THIS INHERENTLY TRUE OR WAS I BRAINWASHED?
HOW COULD I CHANGE?
Unless I cling to Robert, he will leave me
This isn’t true. The truth is, when I cling to Robert, it turns him off. He gets mad at me and wants to get away from me. I think this way because I couldn’t make my father stay with me as a child, no matter how I tried.
I could stop clinging to Robert and give him some space. I could learn to relax while I’m alone and not dwell on the possibility of abandonment.
----
Here is part of Danielle’s list of evidence that her lifetrap is false:
----
EVIDENCE THAT NOT EVERYONE ABANDONS ME
My sister and I have been close all my life.
I’ve had several boyfriends who wanted to be with me, but I’ve been so obsessed with Robert that I never gave any of them a chance.
My therapist is there for me.
I have an aunt who has always taken an interest in me and tried to help.
I have friends who have been around for years and years.
Robert and I have stuck together for eleven years, even if it’s been up and down.
----
After making your list, summarize the case against your lifetrap on a flashcard. This is a sample flashcard Danielle wrote:
----
ABANDONMENT FLASHCARD
Even though I feel that everyone I get close to will abandon me, it isn’t true. I feel this way because when I was a child both my parents abandoned me.
Even though I have experienced a lot of abandonment in my life, in a lot of ways this is because I’ve been most attracted to men and friends who have trouble making commitments.
But the people in my life don’t have to be like that. I can eliminate the people who really are like that from my life. And I can choose to associate with people who are able to be there for me and make a commitment.
A lot of times when I feel abandoned by someone, I should ask myself if I’m just being oversensitive. Even though I feel like the person’s abandoning me, it may just be my Abandonment lifetrap being triggered. Something is reminding me of what happened when I was a child. People have a right to some space. I have to allow people some space.
----
Read this flashcard every day. Carry it with you. Keep a copy near your bed or some other place where you will see it every day.
• 4. Write Letters to the Parent, Sibling, or Peer Who Helped Cause Your Lifetrap. •
It is important to ventilate your anger and sadness about what happened to you. One thing that keeps your inner child frozen is all your strangled feelings. We want you to give your inner child a voice—to allow your inner child to express his or her pain.
We will ask you to write letters to all the people who hurt you. We realize you will probably have to overcome a lot of guilt to do this, particularly in regard to your parents. It is not easy to attack our parents. They may not have been malicious. They may have had good intentions. But we want you to put aside such considerations for a time, and just tell the truth.
Express your feelings in the letter. Tell them what they did that was hurtful, and how it made you feel. Tell them they were wrong to behave as they did. Tell them how you wished it could have been instead.
You will probably decide not to send the letter. It is the writing and expressing of your feelings that is most important. It is often not possible to change the feelings or behavior of your parents, anyway. You should know this from the start. The purpose of the letter is not to change your parents. It is to make you a whole person again.
Here is the letter Danielle wrote to her mother:
Dear Mom,
You have been an alcoholic for all my life. I need to tell you what it’s done to me.
I feel like I never got to be a child. Instead, I had to worry all the time about stuff other kids never even dream of. I couldn’t be sure that we would have food on the table. I had to do everything myself. While other lads were out playing and
EVIDENCE
IS THIS INHERENTLY TRUE OR WAS I BRAINWASHED?
HOW COULD I CHANGE?
Unless I cling to Robert, he will leave me
This isn’t true. The truth is, when I cling to Robert, it turns him off. He gets mad at me and wants to get away from me. I think this way because I couldn’t make my father stay with me as a child, no matter how I tried.
I could stop clinging to Robert and give him some space. I could learn to relax while I’m alone and not dwell on the possibility of abandonment.
----
Here is part of Danielle’s list of evidence that her lifetrap is false:
----
EVIDENCE THAT NOT EVERYONE ABANDONS ME
My sister and I have been close all my life.
I’ve had several boyfriends who wanted to be with me, but I’ve been so obsessed with Robert that I never gave any of them a chance.
My therapist is there for me.
I have an aunt who has always taken an interest in me and tried to help.
I have friends who have been around for years and years.
Robert and I have stuck together for eleven years, even if it’s been up and down.
----
After making your list, summarize the case against your lifetrap on a flashcard. This is a sample flashcard Danielle wrote:
----
ABANDONMENT FLASHCARD
Even though I feel that everyone I get close to will abandon me, it isn’t true. I feel this way because when I was a child both my parents abandoned me.
Even though I have experienced a lot of abandonment in my life, in a lot of ways this is because I’ve been most attracted to men and friends who have trouble making commitments.
But the people in my life don’t have to be like that. I can eliminate the people who really are like that from my life. And I can choose to associate with people who are able to be there for me and make a commitment.
A lot of times when I feel abandoned by someone, I should ask myself if I’m just being oversensitive. Even though I feel like the person’s abandoning me, it may just be my Abandonment lifetrap being triggered. Something is reminding me of what happened when I was a child. People have a right to some space. I have to allow people some space.
----
Read this flashcard every day. Carry it with you. Keep a copy near your bed or some other place where you will see it every day.
• 4. Write Letters to the Parent, Sibling, or Peer Who Helped Cause Your Lifetrap. •
It is important to ventilate your anger and sadness about what happened to you. One thing that keeps your inner child frozen is all your strangled feelings. We want you to give your inner child a voice—to allow your inner child to express his or her pain.
We will ask you to write letters to all the people who hurt you. We realize you will probably have to overcome a lot of guilt to do this, particularly in regard to your parents. It is not easy to attack our parents. They may not have been malicious. They may have had good intentions. But we want you to put aside such considerations for a time, and just tell the truth.
Express your feelings in the letter. Tell them what they did that was hurtful, and how it made you feel. Tell them they were wrong to behave as they did. Tell them how you wished it could have been instead.
You will probably decide not to send the letter. It is the writing and expressing of your feelings that is most important. It is often not possible to change the feelings or behavior of your parents, anyway. You should know this from the start. The purpose of the letter is not to change your parents. It is to make you a whole person again.
Here is the letter Danielle wrote to her mother:
Dear Mom,
You have been an alcoholic for all my life. I need to tell you what it’s done to me.
I feel like I never got to be a child. Instead, I had to worry all the time about stuff other kids never even dream of. I couldn’t be sure that we would have food on the table. I had to do everything myself. While other lads were out playing and
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