Free Shadows on the Nile by Kate Furnivall Page A

that are hidden, because I know parts of me are ugly but I want you to know that they are there, so that you won’t run away when you see them at some point in the future.’
    I tear off my socks and stand naked.
    ‘Christ, you’re crazy.’
    It feels bad when you say that to me. It feels the same as when the boy downstairs with the droopy eye – one of the Others – stabbed me in the cheek with his fork and the prongs went right through to my tongue. I chased him up the stairs with the fork hanging out of my cheek, my blood dripping on the carpet. When I caught him, I—
    ‘All right, Georgie,’ you interrupt my thoughts. ‘I’ve seen you now, so you can put your clothes back on, thank you.’
    ‘Did you see the bad parts?’
    ‘You look perfectly normal to me.’
    I feel sick. I pull on my vest. ‘Didn’t you see the bad bits, the bits inside that are uglyand deformed?’
    ‘Oh, Georgie, let me tell you a secret.’ You lean forward, making me leap back towards the window in a panic, one leg in my trousers, one out, and I fall flat on my back. My head hits the skirting board. You stare at me, shocked. But you sit back down on your chair, wait for me to stand up and continue talking as though nothing has happened. I think that is the moment I start to love you.
    ‘My secret,’ you say, ‘is that I also have bad bits inside that are ugly and deformed. But I hide them better.’
    I listen to your voice, your soft sad voice, and I rub the back of my head.
    ‘Show me one,’ I say.
    You think for a long moment. You run a hand through your thick curls and tug at them so hard it must hurt.
    ‘I hated you, Georgie, when I was a child, even though I didn’t know you. I hated you because Jessie loved you so much, and I wanted her to love me instead. I blamed you for making me miserable when I wanted to be so happy in my new family. I slept in your bed and each night in the dark I plunged one of Ma’s hatpins – one I had stolen – into your pillow. And do you know what I imagined it to be?’
    I shake my head. My heart is so cold it barely moves.
    ‘I imagined it,’ you continue in a tone that I have never heard in your mouth before, ‘to be your eye. I wanted to do the worst thing I could think of to you, to blind you.’
    ‘It was only a pillow.’
    ‘Yes. Only a pillow.’
    ‘Why do you come here?’ You are surprised by the question, yet it is an obvious one. ‘Why shut yourself in this prison for half a day each week when you have the whole of freedom waiting out there for you?’
    You shrug, careless. ‘Because you interest me.’
    ‘Why? You think I am crazy.’
    ‘We are all a bit crazy in this life.’
    I don’t know when you lie to me. I can’t tell. So I don’t know whether you are speaking the truth or doingwhat you call
teasing
. I want to lie down on my bed and pull the blanket over my head but I know that if I do that, you will leave. So I stand there in front of you, watching the way you tap your fingers on the leg of the chair. I don’t know why you do it. Is it a tune? Or is it a signal that I cannot understand?
    ‘You never lie, do you, Georgie?’
    ‘No. I say what is in my head.’
    You smile. ‘I’ve noticed.’
    ‘Why do you come here?’ I ask again.
    You take out a cigarette and light it with a match. I am shocked but excited by the action, surprised by the smell. I have never smelled tobacco before and it is not pleasant, but it doesn’t worry me and I hold out my hand. You give me the cigarette and I put it between my lips, inhale the way you did and cough till my eyes water. But I like it. You laugh and I laugh with you. We pass the cigarette back and forth between us until it is a tiny stub which I stamp out with the heel of my foot. I smile at the dead white stub, when really I want to smile at you.
    ‘That was fun,’ you say, giggling.
    ‘The attendant will be angry. It smells in here.’
    ‘So what? What can they do to you? Nothing much.’
    I nod. It is my