Free It's Not Okay: Turning Heartbreak into Happily Never After by Andi Dorfman Page B

return and successfully (and healthily) moved on from your relationship. But that’s in the distant future (sorry to say). Your present task is to remind yourself why you are where you are. And let me tell you, honey, you ain’t moping around eating sesame chicken because the shit was good.
    And the shit wasn’t good for one of two reasons: either it wasn’t really love or it was only love.
    It wasn’t really love:
    Think of this as perceived love. Sure, right now you might think it was real love, we all do. You wouldn’t be hurting this bad if it wasn’t, right? But what is real love, anyway? Think about that for a moment. If you actually paused and decided what qualities define a person whom you really love, would your ex make the cut?
    Time to find out. . . . Grab a paper and a pen. Start by writing down anything that comes to mind when you ask yourself: What do you love in a man? Don’t think about your ex, just think about visions of your future soul mate.
    For example:
    I love a man who . . .
    •  Has a good sense of humor, preferably dry and dirty
    •  Will be a good father
    •  Trusts me
    •  Believes in me
    •  Loves his family, and mine
    •  Lets me talk for hours about nothing important
    •  Knows I will overanalyze every situation
    •  Has guy friends
    •  Isn’t known around town as a douche bag
    •  Is ambitious
    •  Is a manly man (can use a hammer and a chainsaw)
    •  Thinks I’m pretty, even with no makeup on
    •  Is affectionate
    •  Is physically attractive
    •  Accepts my flaws
    Now, let’s compare your list to your ex. How’d he score? Not well, I’m guessing. Sure, your ex possesses some of those qualities, otherwise what the hell were you doing with him in the first place? But can you honestly say that your ex embodies the majority of the qualities you listed? I’m not suggesting you go around dating with a checklist, but perhaps reminding yourself of what you envision love to be allows you to see, not what you or your relationship was lacking, but what he was. And by doing so you come to the ultimate conclusion that it wasn’t really love to begin with. In which case, congratulations, you’ve just cut your recovery time in half.
    It was only love:
    You’ve made your list and he passes with flying colors—now what? How do you reconcile the pain that comes with a real love that didn’t work out? Logic says if you truly love someone and they truly love you back, then everything should work out. But, the truth is, the Beatles had it all wrong when they sang, “All you need is love.” (Sorry, Dad, I’m not hating on the Beatles, I swear.) Because, as much as we want to believe in the romantic idea that love is all you need, it’s simply not true. Love is not enough to make a lifelong relationship work. You can’t expect to love someone and therefore you will spend the rest of your life with them, because life isn’t that simple. Instead, love is more like your base. Like the key ingredient to a perfect recipe. You see, you don’t just bake a cake with flour and nothing else. It may be the most important ingredient, but you still need a little sugar, some baking powder, and a few eggs among other things. And just like a relationship, where love is the main ingredient, there has to be a little compromise, some support, and a few moments of tolerance as well. It just doesn’t work if all you have is love. And your relationship ending is proof of that.
    Whether it wasn’t really love or it was only love that described your relationship, it doesn’t change the outcome that it’s over. But it does put things into perspective, at least enough to make you stop reminiscing about the past like it was filled with the best moments of your life. Instead, realize that in hindsight, those moments probably weren’t worth all the hype you gave them. Which makes them that much easier to forget about.
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    Lesson learned: When it comes to Love 101, if he