Free Sweet Sunshine by Jessica Prince Page A

heels.
    “Derrick here just informed me I’m not allowed to online date. That he’s forbidding it, end of discussion.”
    “He said what now?” Harlow asked, both brows shooting up on her forehead as she cocked a hip and rested a hand on it. I might not have known much when it came to women, but I know that posture did not say good things for my wellbeing.
    Looking over her shoulder, I gave Noah a look, asking for some support seeing as I knew he agreed with me. Unfortunately, I’d picked a betraying asshole as a best friend.
    “Dude,” he shook his head in disappointment. “You never tell a woman what to do. You make a suggestion, or go about it in a way where you convince her that it was her idea, but you never ever flat out tell her what to do. You should know this, Derrick.” Then, for good measure, the bastard added, “I’m so ashamed of you right now.”
    I felt the intense need to punch him in the throat all of a sudden.
    “Are you kidding?! You were just saying the exact same thing outside!”
    “Nuh uh!” he argued, shaking his head and hiding behind his pregnant wife like a coward. “I suggested it was a bad idea! Then I kindly asked if she was aware of the odds that one of those men could be a potential predator. Never once did I just demand she not try online dating. I’m not a caveman, Derrick,” he scoffed. “Unlike some men in this room.”
    “You know I’m gonna shoot you, right?” I asked him, narrowing my eyes in angry slits. “Come on! Be logical!” I called to the room as a whole, throwing my arms in the air. “It’s never a good idea for a single woman to meet a man she’s only interacted with on-line. The chances that he’s some psychopath are exponentially higher than just meeting someone at say, the grocery store, or something.”
    “Exponentially,” Noah parroted. “Good SAT word, brother.” I flipped him off.
    “Oh, I’d just love to see the research backing up that claim,” Chloe laughed. “So, if what you’re saying is true, I should just go out to some bar, pick any random guy who offers to buy me a drink, and go home with him?”
    “What? Of course not!”
    “But she wouldn’t have met him on-line,” Harlow added brightly. I felt the beginnings of a migraine starting to creep up.
    “Look,” I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to form a rational sentence. “What I’m saying is…” then I was struck by pure brilliance, “…I should screen every single likely candidate so I can run a full background check for any felonies or Class A misdemeanors.”
    Ignoring my perfectly reasonable suggestion, Chloe spoke up, “And the next time you want to pick up a woman at the Moose and take her home for a roll in the hay, I’ll expect you to call me first so I can come down and administer a blood test, you know,” she smiled sweetly, even though I could see the evil behind it, “for safety reasons.”
    “That’s not the same thing,” I argued.
    “Oh, I’ve got to hear this,” Harlow laughed. “And why, exactly, is it different for you than it is for Chloe?”
    “Because I’m a man,” I answered instantly, regretting the words that came out of my mouth as soon as they passed my lips. “Wait! No — that’s not what I meant to say. What I meant is — I’m bigger. I’ve got more muscles. I can defend myself if need be.”
    “I’ll have you know, I’ve been taking weekly self-defense classes for the past four years. I’m more than capable of defending myself.”
    And because I was clearly on a roll with all the stupid, I laughed. “ Pfft , not likely. You’re a pixie for Christ’s sake.”
    I barely got the last word out when I was suddenly choking on my own tongue, unable to take a proper breath as the kitchen floor came at my face at a startling pace only to be stopped by the force of something slamming into my chest, deflating both my lungs and sending me careening backward.
    I gasped for air as I writhed on the floor in pain.