Free The Fat Artist and Other Stories by Benjamin Hale Page B

I’m thinking if Kelly pussies out on me or some shit and it turns out he aint there when we get there what the fuck am I gonna do if we get out there in the bushes and I aint got nothing to show him? That thought makes me start to sweat a little, so now I gotta work out a Plan B if Kelly flakes. Caleb comes back, says, aright, let’s go. First he wants to peace out with Boomsma though, but I don’t want nobody being able to say for sure he saw me leave the bar with Caleb that night, and I tell him so, and he agrees, but he don’t know the real reason why, he just thinks I’m being all paranoid about the coke and shit. So I swear him to secrecy and then I go up to Boomsma and smack him on the back and say, so long, and he aint really paying much attention anyway cause he’s still tryin to chat up the one girl in the bar even though she’s not that hot, and I just get the fuck out of there and go wait outside for Caleb. Five minutes later he comes out, too, but before he does I try calling Kelly’s cell again and again it just rings and rings. I’m thinking if Kelly pussies out on me I guess I’m just gonna have to say, aw, shit, man, it aint here, some little bird must of took it, but I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to act that good to bullshit that bad. We go get in his company van, which is like this pool cleaning van with all these nets and pool equipment and shit on top of it and this picture of a mermaid on the side of it holding a pool net. The mermaid’s got nice tits. We go. I’m sitting there tryin to think, and in my head I’m all like, stay rational, dog, and there’s all this alcohol swimmin around in my brain cause I fucked up a little and wound up drinking a little too much. I try and see what pocket he kept his keys in, cause now I’m thinking if this here company van’s in the parking lot next morning it’s not so good, right? And I’m also thinking if he sees I aint got shit on me and I took his ass all the way outta town for nothing, he’s gonna get real suspicious, and I aint got a getaway car or nothing, and don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty confident with just my fists, but this here motherfucker is stacked like a fuckin wall and if he lands a punch on me in the right place it’s gonna mean lights the fuck out for me. So all of a sudden I got a lot a shit on my plate and I’m sittin shotgun in this pool cleaning van and we’re driving around and Caleb’s all swerving around on the road and shit, and that’s when my cell goes off. Who the fuck is at? says Caleb. The fuck is it to you? I say. I say, it’s my gramma. That was a lie. Of course it’s Kelly, calling me back way the fuck too late. I turn down the volume on the phone way way low so Caleb can’t hear and then I answer the cell and I make my voice go up like three registers like I’m talking to my gramma. I go like, Hi, Gramma! What the fuck? says Kelly on the other line. Oh shit , I’m thinking. How fuckin dumb can you get? And I’m like, oh, I’m just out and about, Gramma. I’m coming home soon, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t worry about me. The fuck are you talking about? says Kelly. I aint your gramma. We been sittin here in the goddamn dark waiting for your ass. Good, good, I think. And I say, okay, love you too, Gramma! Be home soon! Remember to take your medicine when you go to bed, OK? OK. Love you too. And I hang up. Then I says to Caleb (and we’re almost at the park now), I turn to Caleb and say, hell, I gotta say it. I love the shit out of my gramma. She practically raised me, cause I was born when my ma was fifteen, and when I was a kid she split and never came back, last thing we heard she was shacked up with some asshole in Tucson. Yeah, yeah, says Caleb, like he’s all chill now. Gramma, he says, aint at the shit. Hells yeah, I say. But in my head now I’m feeling totally chill about one old thing but I’m freaking the fuck out about one new thing. I feel chill now I know Kelly’s gonna be