Free A Wall of Light by Edeet Ravel Page A

example, or a stone shaped by water. Here was a human body, gone, shivering, moaning, disintegrated by ecstasy. I felt a surge of power, as if all the control he’d given up had been transferred to me, and I was at that second the most powerful person who had ever lived. Male orgasms were evidently different from female orgasms, which I would compare to a delicious bowl of mashed potatoes dripping with butter and brie, delicately spiced, eaten when one is absolutely starving. Or maybe orgasms during sex were different from orgasms you had on your own; maybe one day I, too, would disappear through my orgasm, though I doubted it. I couldn’t imagine vanishing like that, ever, even for a few seconds.
    After he came, I felt his bafflement at the loss he’d experienced, I felt his need to reestablish himself in his own eyes. It took him a few seconds, and it was sweet and funny, watching him try to regain his dignity, his maleness.
    Those things were interesting. I thought of the way he had licked the palm of his hand; it turned me on when he did that. Was he being considerate or pragmatic or selfish? Did he want to wet me so it would be more pleasant for me, or simply in order to make it easier for him to enter me, or did the licking of his palm mean that he didn’t care whether I was aroused or not? Well, he could have assumed that I was; otherwise why was I lying on the bed waiting for him?
    I rocked on the swing and sipped my lemonade. The heat surrounded me like an inflatable Humpty Dumpty toy, grinning mindlessly as it leaned against me. At the edge of the swing a ladybug was crawling precariously on a thin, drooping leaf. She, or he, decided the leaf was not steady enough to make the effort of looking for aphids worthwhile, and tried to exit via the stalk. For some reason ladybugs will always try to walk first; flying is a last resort. Do they have poor aeronautic skills? Or is it the hungry hunt for more aphids that makes them prefer a grounded stroll? There are fewer aphids in the air.
    When I was little I interrupted these creatures’ lives; I took them in and tried to establish relationships with them. But they were happier in their chosen setting and my attentions didn’t appeal to them. There was one spider, however, who definitely became attached to me. She lived on the windowsill and knew when I was there, recognized my voice, looked forward to my treats. But Noah developed an odd antipathy toward her and she came to a sad end.
    I watched the slow progress of the ladybug and thought about Matar—his eyes, his revelation, his kiss. He’d been responsible for carrying out an assassination; he’d received a medal for its success. He’d taken upon himself the role of God, handing out life and death. If God had eyes, they’d look like Matar’s. That was what happened to you when you became God. You didn’t look sad or guilty or pained because God doesn’t feel those things, at least not our God. You looked the way Matar did. And you could never shake it off.

N OAH’S DIARY , O CTOBER 3, 1984.
In the news: the Russian cosmonauts are back, they were in zero gravity for a record 237 days, including six space-walks. Also a 67-year-old East German woman was arrested for spying! Guess she hid the secrets in her walker ha ha.
    T oday Dad got into a rage. This doesn’t happen too often, he’s not the type. Even when he and Mom fight, which is most of the time, he doesn’t get angry, he stays calm, which I think drives Mom even more crazy. They always fight about the same thing. You’d think they’d either find a solution or give up.
    Dad’s side: She’s away too much, we never see her, what about us, we’re as important as her clients, she’s running away from responsibilities, why did she bother getting married and starting a family, this house is just her hotel, she comes here to sleep and grab something from the fridge.
    Mom’s side: It’s not her fault that she’s doing the work of twenty people