Free On My Knees by Periel Aschenbrand Page B

couch.
    Let me make something clear. An invitation to come back to someone’s apartment (or their dead grandmother’s apartment, as the case may be) is not a promise of anything. And it certainly doesn’t give you carte blanche to jerk off. I will grant you that if someone takes you home at four in the morning it’s safe to assume that there will probably be some sexual activity going on, but you really never know.
    Despite my displeasure, Steve continued to jerk himself off and actually sat there masturbating until he ejaculated, like a zoo gorilla, all over himself and simultaneously all over the couch. I silently thanked God for the plastic cover, jumped out of the way just in time to avoid getting hit and ran into the bathroom.
    I inspected myself to make sure his vile emission was nowhere on me and though it seemed I had made it in the nick of time, I took a quick shower just to be sure. By the time I returned to the living room, Steve had somehow made it from the couch to the floor where he was passed out and snoring. My life had reached an all-time low.
    My AA friends tell me that you have to hit rock bottom before you can ascend again. I was fairly certain that having an overweight, hairy Canadian stranger curled up naked and snoring on my dead grandmother’s Persian-style area rug was definitely my rock bottom.
    I began kicking him in his fat, hairy side. When he finally woke up I told him it was time to go.
    Apparently I’d offended him . “Are you always this nasty?” Steve asked as he walked out of the apartment. I yelled after him, “If things don’t work out with the Russian oligarch, I’ll let you know about the piano. Maybe you can buy it for your ex-girlfriend!”
    I called Hanna at like nine the next morning. “Come over. Now. Please.”
    When she got there, I was like, “Your friend Steve is the most disgusting person I have ever hooked up with in my entire life.” By the time I got to the end of the story, she was doubled over laughing. “I want you to know that I hold you responsible for this. You know I shouldn’t be around people right now.”
    Hanna, still laughing: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! You’re right. I’ll make it up to you.”
    Me: “I can’t imagine how you’re going to make this up to me.”
    Hanna: “I can make it up to you right now. I have a few stories I think might cheer you up.”
    Me: “This better be good.”
    Hanna: “It is.”
    Me: “Well, get to it.”
    Hanna: “Okay. Okay. I met someone.”
    Me: “Oh my God! You did? Last night?”
    Hanna: “No, no! When I got home last night. I was bored and I went on Craigslist . . .”
    Me: “This is already a great story. I love it when you meet people on Craigslist. Go on.”
    Hanna: “I met an Indian guy who wants to shave me.”
    Me: “Excuse me?”
    Hanna: “I’m serious.”
    Me: “What do you mean, he wants to shave you ? He wants to shave your legs? He wants to shave your pussy?”
    I do not believe I would let a stranger near my genital area with a razor blade. But then, too, I do not believe I would allow a masseur to stick his fingers in my anus, but either way.
    Hanna: “He wants to shave my tits.”
    Me: “Oh. My. God. You just made my fucking day.”
    Hanna: “Hmm. I did? You really should get out more.”
    Me: “ I should get out more? You’re trolling Craigslist and talking to some Indian guy who wants to shave your tits and you’re telling me I should get out more? Who ever even heard of such a thing?”
    Hanna: “Maybe Indian women have hairy tits?”
    Me: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
    Hanna: “And then, there was another guy I talked to who wants me to nurse him.”
    Me: “What do you mean, he wants you to nurse him?”
    Hanna: “He told me that he’s been fantasizing about suckling from a woman’s breast for years and he doesn’t care if there is milk or no milk but if there isn’t milk, he is willing to work at suckling to see if by doing