Free Retail Hell by Freeman Hall Page B

shoulder was a body part, a clutch was a car part, a tote was a crate in a warehouse, and a satchel was the name of some four-legged, tree-hugging creature in a rainforest. Not so in the Handbag Jungle.
    A clutch was flat and carried in the hand, a tote was usually square-shaped with two handles but sometimes had straps, and a satchel had two short handles and has been around since the Middle Ages.
    “A hobo is a large, rounded, unstructured, slouchy bag designed to be worn on the shoulder,” said Marsha while Cammie modeled a variety of different hobo styles.
    “It’s called a hobo because the shape sort of looks like the bundle at the end of a stick that hobos used to carry way back when in movies and cartoons,” added Jules.
    I couldn’t believe one of fashion’s hottest handbag shapes came from bums on skid row.
    What’s next? Traffic-cone hats and bedpan shoes?
    Learning the basic shapes wasn’t too difficult, but the stuff that really annihilated my brain cells were all the feature add-ons: triplezip satchel, push-lock satchel, hand-held satchel, east-west shoulder satchel, zip-zip satchel, and multifunction box satchel.
    “I don’t get it. Why don’t they just call it a satchel?”
    “I know it’s confusing, hon,” Marsha said, “But you’ll get the hang of it with practice. Just remember, there are five basic handbag shapes: satchel, shoulder, tote, clutch, and hobo.”
    I felt like Audrey Hepburn’s Eliza Doolittle in
My Fair Lady
struggling over the “rain in Spain” phrase, except that my nightmare of words was north-south oversized satchel zip-top.
    It only got worse after that.
    “Do you know anything at all about leather?” asked Jules.
    “Umm . . . I have a leather motorcycle jacket and lots of shoes.”
    The Handbag Angels stared at me.
    “But dude, do you know about the different kinds of leather?” asked Cammie.
    “Not really. Can’t I just say it’s leather and looks cool?”
    “Hon, that will
not
fly in here,” said Marsha.
    My Angels taught me that Napa leather feels buttery soft, mock-croc is embossed to look like crocodile, and washed leather has an aged, crinkly, wrinkled look. They gave me the rundown on all the different fabrics, from jacquard to wool to terry cloth. I discovered handbags are made out of just about everything but sheet metal and drywall. Could it be possible that one day women will actually be able to live in their handbag satchels named Dolly? I think so.
    The list of leathers mentioned made my head hurt: vachetta leather, distressed leather, patent leather, silk-screened leather, metallic leather, glazed leather, and washed leather.
    What the hell is washed leather? Is it preferred over dirty leather? Do they
use a really good detergent like Tide when they are washing the leather? How
long does it stay in the rinse cycle?
    And the skins all these handbags were made out of? Calfskin. Lambskin. Buffalo skin. Deerskin. Snakeskin. Goatskin. Ostrich skin. Croc skin. Rabbit skin. Oh my God . . . I could feel the ghosts of dead animals staring up at me.
    Should I call PETA? Do they know about Big
Fancy’s
House of Hand-bag
Horrors?
    “Is any of that making sense, sweetie?” Jules asked in her breathy Marilyn Monroe voice.
    I groaned. “Dead animal hides everywhere.”
    Cammie agreed. “It’s a fuckin’ dead-ass zoo in here.” Then she held a bag from the clearance table that looked like suede with white fur around it. “You know what this bitch is made out of?”
    “No clue. A cow?”
    Jules smiled.“Shearling. Real shearling. From the skin of an unborn lamb. Obtained after a pregnant adult sheep has been slaughtered for meat or skin or died from a disease.”
    Holy shit!
That’s
way
worse than bunnies and goats. I might throw up.
    “But NEVER say that,” she warned, “It will turn customers off big-time. Always be casual and just say, ‘Oh it’s a type of leather.’”
    “That’s so fucking disgusting. A baby lamb! All for a