Free Portable Curiosities by Julie Koh Page B

on,’ says G. ‘Let’s get this show on the road.’
    G takes me out to the street in front of the housing bubble.
    A van is now parked there. It’s matt black except for the words Cream Reaper painted in white cursive lettering on the front and side.
    â€˜We’re moving into ice-cream vans,’ says G. ‘This is my new extreme pop-up concept. We’re launching the trial today in Surry Hills. If we’re successful, we’ll expand the fleet.’
    â€˜Where’s the menu?’ I ask. ‘Isn’t it usually on the side of the van?’
    â€˜No need. There’s only one flavour.’ He gets into the driver’s seat. ‘Hop in.’
    He reaches out through the window and pulls a rope. A bell clangs. ‘I hate “Greensleeves”,’ he explains.
    As we pull out of the property, we chat about the new venture.
    â€˜It’s all good to be making beautiful ice-creams and to be turning that into a sustainable business,’ says G, ‘but I need to be thinking strategically. The thing is, you always have to think of what you need to do to stay ahead of the competition. That’s the nature of business. If you’ve ever owned a cafe, you’d know how it is. You’re always checking out the menus of your competitors, seeing if you can do better for a particular price point, shifting your menu to keep up with food trends. If a competitor does a deconstructed eggs Benedict, you do a reconstructed deconstructed eggs Benedict. When it comes to the ice-cream business, how do you stay miles ahead of the rest – escape the daily tit-for-tat? You gotta be streetwise, you know, meaning you have to know what they want on the streets. You need more than just a high-concept ice-cream. You need a game changer. And what do you think the game changer is?’
    Buy one get one free, I suggest.
    â€˜I saw this Instagram post, right? And this girl wrote that she would, and I quote, kill for one of my ice-creams and I thought, as I slid down the left slippery slide, I wonder if she would literally die for one. That’s a gap in the market if I ever spied one. What if I decided to take ice-cream out of the ice-cream business and turn it into an extreme sport? What if an ice-cream existed that said to foodies everywhere: “How serious are you about food?” An ice-cream that sorts the professionals from the amateurs, the men from the boys. So I thought I’d put the word out. Call in the media. We’re going to try it out today.’
    The first customer to front up to the van is Elena1995, an artificial redhead with a perfect French manicure.
    She has volunteered to debut the product. She’s been informed in advance of its ingredients and has signed a confidentiality agreement not to disclose the information prior to today.
    Her Instagram bio says she’s a blogger, food fashionista, shutterbug, media darling, style guru, real estate maven, NYU Art History major, emerging curator, mag hag, cake pop addict, daddy’s little sophisticate, 22. Sydney via NY & San Fran. Good hair or go home.
    â€˜I want two,’ Elena1995 says to G. ‘One for the money shot and another as backup.’
    G gets to work. He pushes down a lever on a machine and makes a soft serve cone. He dips it in chocolate and pushes a Flake into the side. It looks like a regular cone from a regular ice-cream van. It’s nothing like the concoctions I’ve seen in the lab.
    He hands the cone to Elena1995 through the window.
    She makes a face.
    I ask her what’s wrong.
    â€˜If this is meant to be an extreme ice-cream,’ she tells me, ‘it could at least be visually marketable. Like, add something that makes it pop.’
    â€˜Do you want it or not?’ says G.
    â€˜Whatevs.’ She pulls out a gold-plated ice-cream stand and sets it on the counter. She snaps the ice-cream from thirty different angles with her phone. She walks away