Free Lean Mean Thirteen by Janet Evanovich Page A

"Fuck," Diggery said.
    "You need to get rebonded," I told him. "You missed your court date."
    "I'm conducting business now," Diggery said. "A little respect, okay? I don't come barging into your office, do I?"
    "This isn't an office. It's a food court. What the heck are you doing?"
    "He's doing my taxes," the woman across from him said. "He does them every year." I looked at the woman. "You let him do your taxes?"
    "He's certifiable."
    Couldn't argue with that. "He's also under arrest," I told her. "You're going to have to make other arrangements."
    "What arrangements? I can't do these forms. I can't figure them out." Four more people came forward. Three men and a woman.
    "What's going on?" one of the men asked. "What's the holdup?"
    "Simon has to leave now," I told him.
    "No way. I've been waiting for an hour, and I'm next in line. You want a piece of Simon, take a number."
    "Get up," I said to Diggery.
    "It's gonna get ugly," he said. "You don't want to piss off Oscar over there. He don't got a lot of patience, and he's missing his afternoon TV shows to do this."
    "I can't believe you're doing taxes."
    "It was just one of them things that mushroomed. Not that it should be so surprising since I have a very strong entrepreneurial side to me."
    I looked at my watch. "If we hustle, I can get you bonded out today, and you can be back here in a couple hours."
    "I'm not waiting no more couple hours," Oscar said, giving me a shot to the shoulder that knocked me into the woman behind me.
    I took the stun gun out of my coat pocket. "Back off," I said to Oscar. "Simon is in violation of his bond, and he needs to go with me."
    "I've got one of those too," the woman behind me said. And ZINNNNG. When I came around, I was on my back on the floor, and I was looking at the rent-a-cop from the lingerie trip with Grandma.
    "Are you okay?" he said. "Did you have a spell? Can you get a flashback from a stun gun?"
    "It's my life," I said to him. "It's complicated." He dragged me up and set me in a chair. "Do you want water or something?"
    "Yeah, water would be good."
    By the time he came with the water, the clanging in my head had almost completely stopped. I sipped the water and looked around. No Diggery. His clients were gone too. No doubt moved on to a taco stand or gas station. I was missing my cuffs and stun gun. I was probably lucky they hadn't taken my shoes and my watch.
    I retreated to the parking lot, and carefully maneuvered the car onto the highway. I drove on autopilot and suddenly realized I was stopped in front of my parents' house. I checked to make sure I was no longer drooling, then went into the house. My dad was in front of the television, sound asleep with the paper draped over his stomach. My mother and grandmother were in the kitchen cooking.
    Grandma was wearing tight black spandex yoga pants and a pink T-shirt that said I'm Sassy, and she'd dyed her hair red. My mother was at the stove, but the ironing board was up, and the iron was plugged in. I suspected it was the red hair that got the iron out. Since the iron was already out, I decided I'd just jump in. "So," I said to Grandma, "how'd the date go?"
    "It was pretty good," Grandma said. "The funeral parlor had a new cookie. Chocolate with white chocolate chips. And they did a real good job with Harry Rozinski. You couldn't hardly tell half his nose was eaten away with the skin cancer."
    "Was he wearing jewelry?"
    "No. But Lorraine Birnbaum was next door in viewing room #, and she was all decked out. She was wearing a real nice-looking watch, and they left her wedding band and diamond on her. The diamond was real big too. You probably don't remember Lorraine. She moved away when you were little. She came back to live with her daughter after her husband died last year, but she didn't last too long. Her memorial said she was being buried on Friday."
    "Did Elmer behave himself?"
    "Yeah. That was the only disappointment. I was ready to put out, but he got some acid reflux