Free Between a Wok and a Hard Place by Tamar Myers Page B

minute, mind
    you - and the next thing she knew they were wrapping her up like a mummy."
    " And they took the whole cookie jar," she wailed.
    I comforted Freni as best I could, promising to find the missing cookie jar, pay for her damaged clothing, and read the
    Dixons the riot act. I would not, however, promise to summarily show the Dixons the door. There are at least two sides to
    everything, after all. Now I'm not saying Freni deserved the treatment she got, I am merely stating a fact. Freni Elizabeth
    Hostetler is capable of generating strong, and sometimes un-Christian emotions in people who rub her the wrong way. Of
    course she has no idea this is a two-way street. Frankly, I wouldn't have been surprised had she told me her own
    daughter-in-law, Barbara, had done the dirty deed.
    "Either they go, or I go," Freni shouted at my retreating back.
    Until she paid me what the Dixons did, it wasn't even a choice.

    I found Susannah still in the hallway, still sleeping on top of the dirty bedding. I shook her gently, but she didn't stir. I
    shook her as if I were the paint mixer at Home Depot.
    She opened one sleep-swollen eye. "Go away."
    "Not until you hear what I've got to say."
    "Don't waste your breath, Mags. I know I'm a slothful, slovenly slut. You've already said so a million times." The eye
    closed.
    Of course I was taken aback, possibly even ashamed of myself. I had thought those things about my sister, certainly,
    but I don't think I ever said them. In my defense I told her that
    "Of course you did," she said, both eyes closed. "Maybe not with your words, Mags, but you know what they say
    about actions.”
    That hurt me to the core of my already bruised bosom. "What kind of actions?" I wailed.
    "You don't trust me, for one thing. Last summer when I asked to borrow your car, you told me I couldn't."
    "It was still in the body shop, Susannah! You backed it into a telephone pole, remember?"
    "Well, that wasn't my fault, Magdalena. Jimmy's foot accidentally hit the gear shift, and he would have stopped it,
    except that his zipper got caught on my belt."
    I may as well be arguing with Freni. If I was going to save her, it would have to be at the expense of being right.
    "You're right, and I'm sorry. I'd like to make it up to you now."
    One eye opened. "You'll let me drive your new BMW?"
    "When pigs fly, dear," I said gently.
    "Then my life is over."
    I prayed that it wasn't. "I've come to give you my blessing, Susannah."
    "Your what?"
    "My blessing. I've come to tell you that from now on you can do whatever you want with your life, make any horrible
    mistakes that you want, and I won't interfere."
    "Yeah, right."
    "No, I mean it. If I didn't, would I be telling you that Melvin and Zelda have broken up?" Well, it was close to the truth.
    At any moment Zelda would break Melvin's heart.
    The other eye opened and she lifted her head weakly. "No way," she said, yet there was hope in her voice.
    "Way, dear," I said mimicking her speech. "They are splitsville. Not only that, but a little birdie told me that Melvin is
    carrying a torch for you."
    "That's silly. This isn't even an Olympic year." Her eyes closed and her head drooped. Had she been a plant I would
    have rushed off to find some water.
    "He's still in love with you, Susannah. It's you he wants, not Zelda."
    My sister popped up like a jack-in-the-box. "Melvin? Me?"
    I know, it is a sacrilegious thought, but it occurred to me that the Good Lord might have told Lazarus there was a
    woman waiting for him. Someone other than his sisters, I mean.
    "Take it easy, dear," I said. "You might want to attend to some essentials before you charge off to collect your knight
    in shining armor."
    "Like what?" I wrinkled my nose. "You've been sleeping on a pile of laundry, for one thing. And" - I looked around -
    "where's Shnookums?"
    "Shnookums! My baby!" Susannah wailed. "Oh, Mags, I'll die if something's happened to him."
    "Don't worry, I'll help you find him." I couldn't believe