Free Cervena by Louise Lyons Page A

myself.
    Later we watched a children’s Christmas movie with Rachael, and after she’d gone to bed, Steve brought out a bottle of port, and we talked. Rosalyn gave in to the tears she’d held back all day, and Steve took her off to bed. I sat alone until midnight with my glass of port, staring at the photo of Mum on the mantelpiece. It was the first time I’d been able to cry. Since she’d died, my tears seemed to have been blocked up, like a bottle with a cork in it. But finally I wept, silently but heartbreakingly, until I was wrung out. Again I was reminded how alone I was. I had no one to take my hand, steer me up the stairs to bed, and tell me everything would be all right.
     
     
    I DIDN’T consider returning to Prague until after the New Year, and even then it was with great reluctance. I needed my family, and although they didn’t really need me, they insisted I stay as long as I wanted. Rosalyn hated the thought of me going so far away when I had no one waiting for me, and it was easy not to think about my other life.
    I kept in touch with Karel once a week, mostly by e-mail. His messages were short and to the point, telling me the club was doing well and that New Year’s Eve had resulted in the biggest income for one night—ever. There was no reason for me to worry about rushing back.
    I thought about Sasha a lot, but I accepted it was one of those things that was over before it started. He’d seemed to want me, but he hadn’t been in touch again, even though I knew Tomáš would have given him my cell phone number as I’d asked. I supposed I could have called him, but I was reluctant to make the move and find out I was right, and that he didn’t want things to go any further. It was better left alone.
    Steve returned to work immediately after the New Year, to prepare for school opening after the holidays. A few days later Rachael went back to school, and Rosalyn and I had a lot of time to be together. We did plenty of fun things and some more difficult things, like sorting out Mum’s belongings and putting her house up for sale. Through everything, we became even closer than before, and we talked about everything. I told her more about Sasha.
    “What makes you think it’s over?” she asked.
    “It never got started. We had dinner, that’s all.”
    “And?”
    “And nothing. We kissed. I went home. End of story.” I refused to think about the way he’d looked at me; the way we’d come together.
    “But you’d have seen him the next day if you hadn’t rushed home. Why write it off before you’ve talked to him? He might be missing you, too, waiting for you to go back.”
    “You’re just trying to get rid of me.” I forced a laugh. January had come to an end, and I knew I couldn’t put off going back forever. Rosalyn and Steve would have let me stay indefinitely, but they had their own life and I couldn’t hang on to it and forget about my own.
    “Joe, you know I want you here as long as you want to be here.”
    “I know, but it’s time I went back. I can’t leave Karel to run everything on his own. It’s my business too.”
    “At least stay for Rachael’s birthday.”
    I agreed at once. Rachael turned nine in a week’s time. Her birthday was on a Friday, and Rosalyn had planned to have a party for her with some of her school friends visiting for the evening. I didn’t relish the idea of a dozen screaming little girls running around me, but I’d do anything for Rachael. I decided to leave the day after the party, although I didn’t plan anything properly or book a flight. Taking a definite step toward going back to reality wasn’t something I felt quite ready for, and I left it until the Saturday afternoon after the party. Then I logged on to the Net to reluctantly arrange my journey home. I had to go back sometime.
    I checked my e-mails first. A week had passed since I’d been online, and I expected to have a message from Karel, letting me know how things were going as