Free Journey by Karina Sharp, Carrie Ann Foster, Good Girl Graphics Page A

to lose control over my emotions and be affected like this.
                  I thought she understood.  I thought she felt the same.  I thought I would never be taken for a fool.    I thought wrong.

 
    *****
     
    Journey
     
    Just a year ago, I was very busy with school, but not too busy to live like I am a reality show starlet attending tons of social events and parties, plus consuming alcohol by the bucket load.   Following that last vacation in Mexico, my behavior and life began tumbling wildly out of control and I made some of the worst decisions of my life.  Suddenly, I had this kind of fuck-it attitude and took YOLO too much to heart.                     
    My life became akin to a montage of every Ke$ha music video montage of people drinking and dancing.  I say it was like a montage, because that’s how my brain registers that period of time- in vivid bits and pieces, unable to see the rest of the story.  Most people say they drink and party to forget, but I did it to keep up the memories and feelings I had when I was happy.  When I was with Jack.  
    I wasn't addicted to alcohol; I was addicted to the feelings partying gave me.  You would think the debacle with flashing my tits on camera would be the last of its kind, but I was contacted by that magazine to pose nude again, and I did.  I told myself that it was the opportunity of a lifetime.  Since you only live once, why not?  Am I ashamed of my body?  No.  Am I ashamed of being a free spirit and doing some fun things?  No.  Conversely, I’m a little proud that I was able to pose in a magazine.  What I didn’t consider at the time was how my decisions potentially affect other people.  I am someone’s daughter, someone’s doctor, and simply someone who should be able to live their life free of judgment, but when you put yourself into the public eye you’re subject to a great amount of scrutiny.  On flip side, doing that kind of work gets you invited to some amazing parties.
                         One night, I was at a party where I did not keep track of my alcohol consumption.  I had driven to and from clubs and parties over the legal blood alcohol limit plenty of times before, so I justified my decision by that terrible logic.  Fortunately, I was pulled over before I could hurt someone.  Unfortunately, I was arrested and charged with Driving Under the Influence or DUI.  It was the most life-changing and humbling experience that could have ever happened to me.  I didn’t have a substance abuse problem; I had a self-abuse problem.  Since that incident happened, I always arrange to have a designated driver or take a cab home, then go pick up my car the next day.  
    I took an intense evaluation of my life and where it was headed.  Just because someone appears to have everything they ever wanted and acquired it with ease, doesn’t mean they are happy.  Sure, things seem that way from the outside looking in, but as the old saying goes, looks can be deceiving. 
    Perhaps being a bit more reactionary than I should have been, I disconnected myself from everything and everyone, from that period of my life, and reconnected with people who mattered, like my family and my friends who supported me through the entire ordeal.  
    My father was able to hire a great attorney for me who had the charge reduced and everything erased from my public record.  I was very lucky that this happened to me before I finished med school, or else it wouldn’t have been swept away quite so easily.  Regardless, I take full responsibility for all of my reckless decisions and behavior.  
    On that fateful day, I vowed I would never be that person again.  And since then, I’ve kept true to it.  I justified everything by only living once and lapping up as much fun and joy as possible in this life.  Except, it was all fleeting.  When I leave this earth, will the memories of partying and living life on the edge