Free Imaginary Foe by Shannon Leahy Page B

‘Could you please pass the potatoes, Rose?’
    Mum looked terrified when I pointed at her. Maybe she’s picking up on the fact that I know about Father Ryan. Well good. She can have a long hard think about it all. I hope she has trouble sleeping tonight.

10
    I hang out in my room for a couple of hours. I don’t feel much, just drained.
    There’s a quiet knock at my bedroom door and Dad enters meekly. His mood surprises me. He’s not angry or ready to throttle me. ‘Hi, Stan.’
    ‘Hi, Dad.’
    ‘That was quite a performance you gave at dinner tonight. What brought that on?’
    ‘I don’t know. I’m just annoyed about things, I guess.’
    ‘Well, I … um … I need to talk to you about something.’
    Oh, Jesus, no! I can guess what this is going to be about. He’s going to tell me that Mum’s having an affair with the priest, that he and Mum are going to split up and I’m going to have to choose who I want to live with. I do not want to have that conversation with my father.
    ‘Listen, Dad, you don’t have to…’
    ‘No, I want to. Your outburst really shocked me. It made me realise that you’re not a kid anymore. I need to be more open with you.’ Dad seats himself carefully on my bed, between magazines, books and records. He doesn’t look out of place among the mess; he is a mess himself. He clears his throat and pushes a hand through his oily hair. He gives a long, deep sigh. ‘You know, it’s a funny thing – with Grandad being sick, it makes me reflect on how I am as a father. And I must say, I’m not too impressed with myself, Stan. I need to tell you about what’s been going on.’
    My chest tightens. I never imagined that I’d be having this discussion with my father. A family breakdown is always something that happens to someone else – to some other sucker. How was Dad going to explain to me that Mum was having an affair? And, worse still, how was I going to act surprised about it?
    ‘First of all, I’m sorry I’ve been so angry all these years. I’ve been a lousy father. I think about times when I’ve been way over the top with my reactions to situations. It hasn’t been good. And there’s no excuse for it. There’s absolutely no excuse for it. I’m sorry. But now, you see, the truth is that I’m completely stressed out. I’m so stressed that I can’t even think straight. I get frustrated over the most insignificant things.’ He gives a short nervous giggle.
    ‘It’s OK. I understand.’ I hope I sound sincere. In a way, I am sincere. I can see that he’s in a real state and even though I’ve always thought that he’s a bit of an arsehole, I am overcome with sympathy. For the first time in a long time, I find myself looking at Dad as a human being and considering his feelings. Here, before me, sits a man whose wife has been unfaithful and whose father is in hospital in a serious condition. I know that I’d be torn apart if Rhonda decided to start seeing someone else or if Dad got sick and wound up in hospital.
    ‘I’ve been taking … pills, Stan, to help cope with stress.’
    This completely throws me. I fumble in my head for something to say. ‘What … what sort of pills?’
    ‘An antidepressant.’
    ‘Oh.’
    ‘Since I’ve started taking it, I’ve finally been able to get some rest at night and that’s allowing me to focus on what’s important. I’ve been thinking about lots of things.’ Another deep sigh leaves him. ‘I’ve come to realise that I haven’t been the greatest husband or the greatest father in the world.’
    ‘Dad, that’s…’
    ‘It’s OK. I’m glad I’m finally seeing things clearly. You and your mother and your sisters have put up with a lot. For a long time, all I could focus on was how ungrateful you all were. I used to think that I’d go off to work and slave my guts out for you all, but never get the respect I deserved. But now I can see that I haven’t exactly been present for a long time.’ He raises his head.