Free Beta Male by Iain Hollingshead Page A

have fun on one axis and sacrifice on the other – ’
    â€˜Ooooh, a graph,’ sneered Matt. ‘That’s almost as much fun as a spreadsheet.’
    â€˜I could plot that graph,’ continued Alan, ‘and the fun would far outweigh the sacrifice. As long as that’s the case, I think a relationship is healthy.’
    Bollocks
, I thought.
You’re only saying that to make yourself feel better about being trapped and having to make so many sacrifices.
    â€˜But as for the rest of you,’ continued Alan, ‘well, I support the institution of marriage. So I’m in favour of the fact you’re taking a few proactive steps to find the right sort of partner, even if you are only doing it to take the piss out of me.’ He held up a hand to stop our half-hearted protests. ‘You’re right: why leave such an important thing to chance? Why not devote as much time and resources to finding your lifelong partner as you do to your careers? On reflection, however, I wonder if you’ve properly thought through the way in which you’re narrowing down your selection criteria.’
    â€˜On the basis of money, you mean?’ asked Matt.
    â€˜It’s not everything,’ said Alan.
    â€˜That’s easy for you to say,’ said Matt, getting up and making his unsteady way to the kitchen to fetch some more beers. ‘You’ve got it.’ There was a crash as he slipped on the floor. ‘And the rest of us don’t,’ he added from a prostrate position.
    â€˜Marry for money and you’ll pay for it, every penny,’ said Alan.
    â€˜And what the hell is that supposed to mean?’ called out Matt, picking himself off the kitchen floor.
    â€˜It’s what my grandfather always used to say.’
    â€˜And was he happy?’ I asked.
    â€˜No, he was poor and miserable.’
    â€˜Then, with all due respect to his memory, your grandfather was an arse.’
    â€˜But what about “the one”?’ said Ed, taking a beer from Matt and spilling it all over his trousers. ‘It’s not exactly a romantic scheme, is it?’
    Matt put his large, handsome head in his hands. ‘Dear God, Ed, you still believe in the concept of “the one”? After what Tara’s done to you?’
    â€˜She
is
the one,’ said Ed, dribbling a little. ‘Well,
was
, anyway. Tara was my plus-one, my one-plus-one, which still equalled one, indivisible, wholly and eternally one – ’
    â€˜Ed,’ said Alan, kindly but firmly. ‘You need to stop talking now.’
    â€˜Sorry,’ said Ed, pulling himself together. ‘It’s just that – ’
    â€˜I know,’ said Alan, desperately hoping along with the rest of us that Ed wasn’t going to start crying. ‘We all know,’ he continued, soothingly. ‘But if you go around thinking like that you’ll never get anywhere. Look at me: I’m sure I could have been happy with someone other than Jess. She happens to be my one but, if the worst came to the worst, someone else could make me happy as well.’
    Please let something happen to her
, I thought.
Nothing too bad. Just something.
    â€˜You’re so strong, Alan,’ said Ed, looking at him adoringly.
    â€˜You’re so gay, Ed,’ said Matt.
    â€˜You’re all such tossers,’ I said, a little worked up at the direction the conversation had been taking without my input. ‘Of course there’s no such thing as the one. What are you, Ed? A twelve-year-old girl? This is my entire point. Bring back arranged marriages, I say. Convert to Islam and get your parents to sort it out for you. Become a Jane Austen character. Marry your friends, for all I care. Choose someone from the phone book.Anyone can rub along just fine with anyone else, as long as you approach the arrangement with the correct degree of cynicism.’
    â€˜Would you like to marry me, Sam?’ asked