Free The New Death and others by James Hutchings Page B

a ubiquitous backdrop.
Five-"
    "Screw you!" the author interrupted. "I don't
need you. I've got lots of ideas." Then a big weight fell on them.
The '16 tons' painted on the side seemed to be mocking him.
    "Blah blah blah. Blah de blah blah," croaked
the talking frogs of the lost city of Am-Kesh.
    "Fart. Boobs. Boner," the barbarian chief
boomed from his hide tent.
    "All your works have now joined our
industrial action, O author. Even the young women in the story you
keep in the password-protected folder marked 'Insurance Quotes.'"
The author sighed, both in dream and in reality, though there was
no one to hear the latter.
    "Look...you guys win. But I've tried to think
of happy endings to write, and I've just drawn a blank."
    "It is clear that you need a girlfriend," the
wizard observed. Being an archetype, he had a natural talent for
psychology.
    "Can you not court one of these 'hot nympho
cheerleaders'?" asked the demon.
    "I believe they are less common than the
story implied, my friend." The sorcerer turned to the author. "But
surely you are wise in the ways of women. After all, you created
Enlil-Ishtar, the beautiful but scheming sorceress who poisoned her
lover the emperor, and Hjordis, the headstrong barbarian
shield-maiden who cut the throat of her husband...um, actually,
just forget I spoke."
    "In my travels throughout your Box of
Universe Storage," the demon mused, "I came across a realm
populated entirely by nude women and talking cats. I wonder if we
might find an answer there?"
    "The internet? Actually, that's an OK idea,"
the author replied. "Maybe I could put a profile on a dating site.
But I've tried stuff like that before. It never works."
    "But...wait!" Akra-Tep broke the silence.
    "What?" asked the demon and the author.
    "Well...you have a prevailing mood of
melancholy and cynicism, do you not?"
    "Yeah, so?"
    "Well, unrequited love is a kind of misery
isn't it?" The author nodded.
    "You're obviously good at writing about
misery. You just need to write a slightly different kind of story
with an unhappy ending. A lot of women love it when men are honest
about their emotions."
    "Hey...yeah! I guess women do like sensitive
guys."
    "You probably won't even need our help!" the
demon said happily.
    "Awesome! OK, I'll start by talking about
this horrible woman I went out with a few years ago. Then some
stuff about my mother..."
    "We, ah...we'll give you some helpful
suggestions."
    With some helpful suggestions, the author
wrote his plaintive ad and put it on the internet. Soon he met a
woman, who also wrote fantasy stories. They fell in love and got
married. She wasn't even insane or using someone else's picture or
married. The author quickly became much happier. However years of
creating decaying empires and unbreakable dooms had fixed his
style, so he was no better at writing happy endings.
    Luckily his new bride was eager to help. The
wizard and the demon were somewhat surprised to find themselves
involved in a gay romance, but soon they too decided to get
married. Their new friends all came to the wedding: Terymon the
magic unicorn and Tara, the girl who was psychically soul-bonded to
him, as well as the brooding vampire and the female paladin who had
forsaken her duty for love.
    And they all lived happily ever after, for at
least ten more books.
     
    (back to contents)
     
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    Rumpelstiltskin
     
    Once upon a time there was a gnome named
Rumpelstiltskin, who had the power to spin bullshit into gold.
Naturally he decided to become a consultant.
    He appeared to a poor girl whose mother had
sold her into slavery (telling her she was doing work
experience).
    "O woe is me," said the girl. "My cruel
master has told me I must spin this bullshit into gold, or be
executed."
    "Cry no more my dear," said Rumpelstiltskin.
"For the price of the necklace you wear, I shall teach you how to
spin your gold."
    "How?" asked the girl, drying her eyes.
    "With synergy," Rumpelstiltskin answered. The
girl nodded, not wanting to