Free New Balls Please (Ball Games #3) by Andie M. Long Page A

house. I also think it's about time your mother was a Turner.'
    He goes down on bended knee.
    'Dora, will you marry me?'
    They all stare at me.
    'No.'
    Both Tim and Dylan shout 'What?'
    A tornado of temper bursts out of me. Fuck being a demure housewife. I need to sort this shithead out.
    'No, I will not fucking marry you. You didn't want to get married when she was eight so why the fuck do you want to get married now?'
    Heads of people in the restaurant turn towards us. Thank goodness there are no children around because I need to vent big time.
    'Is this because I've been acting like a servant? Is that what I needed to do? Clean the fucking house? I clean for my job, so forgive me if I don't do my best at home because it's God damn boring.'
    Tyler looks around 'Mum, what's got into you? Calm down.'
    'What’s got into me? He's got into me. Your bloody father. I'm knackered.' Oh sod it, they're adults. 'Your dad's turned into a sex fiend and I'm fucking knackered trying to be some kind of fifties housewife. It’s doing my box in. Both my head and my vag.'
    I sit down, exhausted.
    'But, but, you've been enjoying all the sexy stuff.'
    I put my hand to my brow. I can feel a headache nagging. 'No, I haven't. I've been faking ninety-five percent of it. Plus, if you call me a kitten again, I’ll scratch your eyes out.'
    'But it's in those books you're always reading?'
    'What?' I take a large sip of my wine, hoping alcohol affects my brain to a point where this situation starts making sense.
    'On your shelves. Like The Alphabet Game. Then I watched that Fifty Shades on DVD. I thought you wanted an alpha.'
    I look at him like he's just told me he's a cross-dresser.
    'Tim, they are fiction . They're what I read for escapism. Men like that don't exist in real life. We don't want that in real life, just in our imagination.'
    'So I didn't need to do any of those things? I wore that suit and stupid jogging outfit for nothing?'
    I take a bigger drink. 'Oh my God, you need a shrink.'
    'What about you? What's all this about being a housewife? Where have you got the notion that I want a servant? We've been together for twenty-nine years and I might have groaned about the state of the house but I've never demanded you clean it. So where's that come from?'
    'I was reading a book and-'
    Tim, Camille and Tyler groan.
    Tyler shakes his head. 'Mum, you need to stop with the crazy.’
    'I have. I'm done. There is no way I was built to be a domestic goddess.'
    Everyone at the table cracks out laughing.
    'Oh, the lot of you can fuck off.'
    'Can someone please get your mother a swear box?'
    I realise I'm at Camille's birthday party and I've just thrown what amounts to a tantrum. Who are the parents and who are the children here?
    'Camille, I'm sorry.'
    She laughs. 'It's okay, Mum. At least we can’t say my birthday meal was dull. Anyway, is that all the drama? Can we have coffee now?'
    Dylan stands up. 'Well actually, no. Not yet.'
    He drops to his knee. He looks scared to death which isn't surprising given my negative response to Tim. He'll be praying she isn't her mother's daughter on the subject.
    'Camille, I know we've only been together for ten months, but I know for a fact that you are the love of my life. Please, would you do the honour of marrying me?'
    In the ring box, I can make out a square diamond. It glistens. Cam shakes. I see her lip tremble as she shakes her head to the positive. After what must seem like forever to Dylan, she finally utters her answer, 'yes.'
    Dylan takes out the ring. Cam holds out her left hand. But Dylan hasn’t finished talking.
    'Camille. I’ve something to confess. This isn’t your real engagement ring. I want us to shop for one together, so you can choose one you like.'
    She laughs. 'So where's this one from?'
    'Primark.'
    'Well, it’s a beautiful stand-in.'
    I've never seen a man look so relieved.
    As they kiss, Tim flags down a waitress and orders a bottle of champagne. I don't know if it's to toast or