Free Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) by Robyn Peterman Page B

no,” Shoshanna moaned in agony. An icy blast of fear shot through me at Shoshanna’s tone, but I figured if I gave Evangeline my idea, maybe she would leave, and my cute little ladies could have fun again.
    “Ah, what have we here?” Evangeline eyed me from head to toe. She enviously fingered my long blond hair and winced at my snow boots. “Some new blood. How lovely of you ladies to bring me a gift. Especially one so breathtakingly beautiful.”
    Good God, are all these old women lesbians?
    “She’s not for you,” Shoshanna said through clenched teeth, stepping forward to stand next to me. “She’s not even a writer.”
    Ouch, that stung. Of course Shoshanna was correct, I’m not a writer. I knew she was trying to save me from the plastic surgery experiment gone awry seated in the chair, but I wish she had come up with a less hurtful defense. I put my arm around my little bondage-loving new buddy in solidarity and to let her know I was fine.
    “I’ll be the judge of that,” the viper spat, pushing Shoshanna away from me with the pointed toe of her shoe. I quickly averted my eyes to avoid the peep show she insisted on performing. “What’s your name, pretty girl?” Evangeline asked in a silky voice.
    “Rena,” I could hardly raise my voice above a whisper. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea.
    “Rena what?” she pried. The bodyguard took out a pad and pen from his breast pocket.
    “Rena Gunderschlict.” There was an audible groan of dismay from the pile of ladies behind me. I knew my last name was awful, but I didn’t think their reaction was to my name . . . it was the fact I’d given it to the idea-stealing hag.
    I experienced a surge of panic as the bodyguard wrote it down on his pad. He was formal and official, causing me a hellacious flashback to my recent arrest downtown at the news station after my pathetic attempt to become the new Sunshine Weather Girl.
    “So, Rena, my dear,” her strangely hypnotic voice urged me on, “what’s your idea?”
    There was no way in hell I was going to tell her about the teacher and the convict bus driver. I wasn’t sure if the girls were blowing smoke up my butt about my story or if it’s a best-seller in the making. Just in case, I wasn’t giving it to the walking Botox experiment. I’d simply have to yank another one out of my rear . . .
    “Well . . . um . . . there’s this pirate,” I started.
    “Yes?” In her excitement she leaned forward, giving me an unfortunate view of the perky round globes attached to her eighty-year-old bony chest.
    “Yep, a pirate,” I said, looking everywhere except at Evangeline’s bosom. I rocked back and forth in panic, having no idea what was going to come out of my mouth. “And he kidnaps these beautiful twins during an earthquake. It was about a four or so on the Richter scale. He’s never seen anything as gorgeous as these young women in his life.” I glanced over at Shoshanna, who discreetly moved her hands to her breasts. “They had ginormous breasts.”
    “Ahhh, yes,” Evangeline cooed. “Tell me more.”
    “Right, so . . . he steals them in the middle of the night from their mansion in Sydney, Australia. Once he gets them on the ship, he realizes they’re conjoined.” I stared at the ceiling, praying for divine intervention, or a power outage.
    “Holy shit,” Shoshanna choked.
    “Be quiet, Shoshoodoo,” the viper hissed. “Continue,” she demanded.
    “At this point he realizes he only loves one of them. The other one is a total bitch.”
    Evangeline clasped her hands greedily. “What’s her name?”
    “Whose name?” I asked.
    “The name of the one he loves.”
    She rolled her eyes at my stupidity. That was really alarming. Bulging eyeballs with permanently open lids should not be permitted to roll. Ever.
    “Oh, her name is, um . . . Shirley, but it just so happens that the pirate is a time-traveling vampire warlock.”
    “I’ve never heard of that.” Intense astonishment