tundra. We need not give details, as the mission was highly classified. But I have drafted a press release, which should be issued directly from the military. It should begin something like this…
“With deep regret we announce the loss of a Russian Air Force jet, which disappeared over the arctic tundra somewhere north of the Siberian oil fields earlier this week. Unfortunately, the aircraft was known to have been transporting several important personnel from the Russian national oil and gas industry, as well as several senior Siberian politicians. Severe weather conditions have made the search for bodies almost impossible.
“Their ultimate destination was Murmansk for an international conference at the new tanker terminals. Air Force helicopters are currently in the search area but no wreckage has yet been found, and we have no information on the cause of the crash. Because of the classified nature of the mission, the Air Force will not be releasing the names of any of their own personnel.
“Families of the deceased executives and politicians are currently being informed. The government and the military authorities are treatingthe incident as an accident that occurred in flight, though there will of course be a thorough investigation into the possible reasons for the jet to have gone down.”
“Excellent,” said Boris Patrushov, with the clear relief of a man who had just ordered and masterminded a dozen cold-blooded murders of innocent Russian civilians. “It’ll take a few days and a few awkward questions. But we’ll alert the military media authorities on the procedures we expect them to adopt.
“And we’ll make it known that the government would prefer this very sad incident to be treated with care and sensitivity. Sensationalizing the death of such men will incur the anger of the authorities. It might also be a good idea to bestow some kind of decorations or medals on these men who died in the service of their country.”
“Very good idea,” said the President. “Perhaps the Cross of the Russian Federation for the civilians, and regular combat medals for the pilots.”
“Perfect,” offered Boris. “And of course in the end we’ll blame the appalling weather and the impossibility of landing the aircraft after an instrument failure, and an apparent problem with the hydraulics.”
“Yes, I think that will see our little problem off very nicely,” said Prime Minister Kravchenko. “Very nicely indeed.”
“Meanwhile,” continued the President, “I think we should discuss the heart of the problem.”
“Which is?” asked Kravchenko.
The President looked concerned. He glanced up and said, “What would become of Mother Russia if ever the Siberians were to succeed in going their own way? They certainly would not be the first of our satellites to do so. But they would be, by a long way, the most dangerous.
“And even if they demanded or took a far greater license in deciding the destination of their own oil and gas…well, that could prove nearly fatal for us. Because they would almost certainly turn to China, and a close, cozy relationship between those two, right down at the ass end of the fucking Asian continent, would not be great…”
“Neither financially, geographically, nor diplomatically,” mused Kravchenko. “World sympathy would immediately swing to Siberia, the poor freezing underclass of the old Soviet Union…never hadanything, never been fairly treated by Moscow…struggled with the world’s cruelest climate for centuries…and now the bullies of the Kremlin want to suppress them yet again—”
“Yes,” interrupted the President. “I think that was quite sufficiently graphic. And I think I speak for everyone when I say we might one day simply lose control of that Siberian oil. We won’t be ruined…there’ll still be riches and reward for the Russian government. But it won’t be like now. The goose’s golden eggs will become a bit more…well, brassy.”
The