Free Cockeyed by Richard Stevenson Page B

Kerisiotis said, “Who are the Brienings?”
    I could all but see the wheels spinning inside Hunny’s head and the terror he felt over the possibility of his mother’s being revealed in Golden Gardens as a thief. He said, “They’re people Mom had some trouble with a long time ago. It was an argument over a breaded zucchini recipe.”
    “It’s hard to imagine your mother having a long-standing disagreement with anyone, Huntington. She is generally such a cheery lady. She can be outspoken, of course, and she has her opinions. And she doesn’t like to be bothered with Depends.
    But five minutes after she lets off steam, she is back to being as sweet as can be. The aides all love Rita. She tells them stories that I would consider off-color, but the staff all think she is just a hoot.”
    Tears welled in Hunny’s eyes. “That’s my mom.”
    Now the large-breasted black man with a heavy beard and glittering earring who Timmy and I had seen on television at Hunny’s winning-the-lottery party came down the corridor in a green nurse’s outfit. His cornucopia of rhinestones still dangled from his left ear.
    Hunny shouted, “Antoine!” and the two embraced and Art soon joined in the hug.
    “Hunny, honey, we can’t find your mom, but I’m sure she is somewhere okay. That Rita can take care of herself, girl. You better believe it!”
    “Oh, Antoine, honey, where in the world would Mom go? It sounds like she knew what she was doing — snuck out during the front desk shift change. Or maybe it wasn’t premeditated, and CoCkeyed 63
    it was just a moment of opportunity and she took it. But Mrs.
    Kerisiotis says you all have looked high and low, and now she’s going to call the sheriff. Oh God, please don’t let the police find her dead in a drainage ditch being gnawed on by wild dogs!”
    This image seemed to spur the administrator to action, and Mrs. Kerisiotis headed into her office making speaking-into-a-receiver gestures.
    “Hunny, honey, your mom is just such a dear lady, and I’m sure she is going to be back here where she belongs in no time at all.”
    “Oh, Antoine, honey, I am trying to believe that.”
    “Rita told us a joke the other day that had us all rolling on the floor and screaming our heads off. Did she tell you the one about the lady who led a cute bag boy out to the supermarket parking lot? The lady says to the bag boy, ‘I’m glad you came outside with me. I have to tell you, I have an itchy pussy.’ The humpy kid says to the lady, ‘Well, you’re going to have to point it out to me. All those Japanese cars look alike.’”
    Hunny and Art’s laughter was so rollicking that several of the old folks staring at the floor in the corridor looked up.
    “I know Mom gets on the phone with her old friend Tex Clermont once a week to trade jokes.”
    “Hunny, I sure do see where you get your sense of humor.”
    “Antoine, Mom has had a nice time here overall. Minus the disgusting food and so on. So I can’t begin to imagine why she would just walk out the door. It’s true, her mind is going.”
    “I’ve noticed that, Hunny. But she has two or three marbles left, and on a good day she’s one hundred percent. Well, eighty-two.”
    “Maybe she just went for a stroll. It’s such a sunny day out. It’s kind of hot, but Mom has never minded the heat. Or she walked down to Dairy Queen for a treat.”
    “We all checked down there. But don’t you fret, Hunny.
    Those girls in the sheriff ’s department will have her back here 64 Richard Stevenson
    in no time at all. One time a lady made it out the door and three miles down Route 43, and the officers found her in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube reading the Troy Record . She said she liked it there because the coffee at Jiffy Lube was better than the coffee at Golden Gardens. That poor lady — her name was Turalura Butterworth — passed away a week after the sheriff brought her back here. But that was just a coincidence, I am certain.”
    Now Mrs.