Free Crapalachia: A Biography of Place by Scott McClanahan Page A
Authors: Scott McClanahan
They chased him around again.
Then they chased him around the house one more time and now Bill was screaming, “I’m a fucking cheeseball. Don’t eat me.”
Then he told me about the Greenbrier Ghost.
And then he told me it was like this with chicken of any kind too. He cleared his throat again, eeeeghh . He told me if he got anywhere near chicken he would start to get all sweaty trying to swallow the thing. He told me about being a kid and trying to eat chicken legs. He would chew on it and have to spit it out. He couldn’t bring himself to swallow it.
I said, “Damn.”
He said, “I thought I was possessed by the devil for a while. I knew I wasn’t in control anymore.”
He said, “Then I realized no one is in control.”
The next morning I woke up to the lyric:
I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone. All we are is dust in the wind .
I came home the next day, I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.
I went to bed each night. All we are is dust in the wind.
I finally said, “Would you please stop it? Seriously. Stop.”
He played, I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.
STOP.
He grunted. He checked his weight. He weighed 225 pounds.
STOP.
He grunted. He checked his weight. He weighed 225 pounds.
He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost. Back in the 1890s a woman named Zona suddenly died.
STOP. You’re driving me nuts.
He played his music.
When he was gone one day, I hid the CD.
He sprayed Lysol.
STOP.
He grunted. He rubbed his hands together.
He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost. It’s the only case in history where a man has been convicted based on the second-hand testimony of a ghost.
STOP.
He sprayed Lysol and rubbed his hands together. He grunted, errghhh .
Then one morning I woke up and he was gone. He told me the night before that he was going to see his grandpa.
I didn’t know what to do without him. I actually walked around and cleaned up. I felt a little fat. I got up on the scale and I watched the weight pop up. I weighed 196. Then I got down and rubbed my hands together.
I thought, How much do I weigh now?
I couldn’t remember. I got back on the scale. I weighed 196 pounds. I got off. I got back on the scale. I got off. Then I went back to the closet and got out the CD. I put it in the player and pushed play. Then I started singing along, “I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone. All we are is dust in the wind.” I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I close my eyes.
I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I close my eyes.
I told myself the story of the Greenbrier Ghost. He killed me, Mommy. He strangled me and broke my neck. I tried not thinking about Ruby and Nathan.
I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I close my eyes.
I told the story. It’s the only case in the history of the country where a man has been convicted of murder based on the second-hand testimony of a ghost.
I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I looked down at my hands and my hands weren’t my hands anymore. My hand wasn’t made of flesh anymore. My hand wasn’t even a hand anymore. I held it up and looked at it. It was orange. I said, “I’m a cheeseball. I’m a motherfucking cheeseball.” I wasn’t in control anymore.
I stayed up late that night and I thought about Nathan and how he died and I thought about my grandmother. I went through my wallet and looked at the funeral notice from a few months earlier.
I read:
IN MEMORY OF
NATHAN ELGIE McCLANAHAN
BORN
May 8, 1943
Backus Mountain, WV
PASSED AWAY
February 11, 1996
Beckley, WV
SERVICES
February 15, 1996
2:00 PM
Wallace and Wallace Chapel
Rainelle, WV
Pastor Steve Martin
INTERNMENT
Goddard Cemetery
Red Springs, WV
Then I went to sleep and I dreamed about
Then they chased him around the house one more time and now Bill was screaming, “I’m a fucking cheeseball. Don’t eat me.”
Then he told me about the Greenbrier Ghost.
And then he told me it was like this with chicken of any kind too. He cleared his throat again, eeeeghh . He told me if he got anywhere near chicken he would start to get all sweaty trying to swallow the thing. He told me about being a kid and trying to eat chicken legs. He would chew on it and have to spit it out. He couldn’t bring himself to swallow it.
I said, “Damn.”
He said, “I thought I was possessed by the devil for a while. I knew I wasn’t in control anymore.”
He said, “Then I realized no one is in control.”
The next morning I woke up to the lyric:
I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone. All we are is dust in the wind .
I came home the next day, I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.
I went to bed each night. All we are is dust in the wind.
I finally said, “Would you please stop it? Seriously. Stop.”
He played, I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.
STOP.
He grunted. He checked his weight. He weighed 225 pounds.
STOP.
He grunted. He checked his weight. He weighed 225 pounds.
He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost. Back in the 1890s a woman named Zona suddenly died.
STOP. You’re driving me nuts.
He played his music.
When he was gone one day, I hid the CD.
He sprayed Lysol.
STOP.
He grunted. He rubbed his hands together.
He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost. It’s the only case in history where a man has been convicted based on the second-hand testimony of a ghost.
STOP.
He sprayed Lysol and rubbed his hands together. He grunted, errghhh .
Then one morning I woke up and he was gone. He told me the night before that he was going to see his grandpa.
I didn’t know what to do without him. I actually walked around and cleaned up. I felt a little fat. I got up on the scale and I watched the weight pop up. I weighed 196. Then I got down and rubbed my hands together.
I thought, How much do I weigh now?
I couldn’t remember. I got back on the scale. I weighed 196 pounds. I got off. I got back on the scale. I got off. Then I went back to the closet and got out the CD. I put it in the player and pushed play. Then I started singing along, “I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone. All we are is dust in the wind.” I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I close my eyes.
I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I close my eyes.
I told myself the story of the Greenbrier Ghost. He killed me, Mommy. He strangled me and broke my neck. I tried not thinking about Ruby and Nathan.
I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I close my eyes.
I told the story. It’s the only case in the history of the country where a man has been convicted of murder based on the second-hand testimony of a ghost.
I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.
I looked down at my hands and my hands weren’t my hands anymore. My hand wasn’t made of flesh anymore. My hand wasn’t even a hand anymore. I held it up and looked at it. It was orange. I said, “I’m a cheeseball. I’m a motherfucking cheeseball.” I wasn’t in control anymore.
I stayed up late that night and I thought about Nathan and how he died and I thought about my grandmother. I went through my wallet and looked at the funeral notice from a few months earlier.
I read:
IN MEMORY OF
NATHAN ELGIE McCLANAHAN
BORN
May 8, 1943
Backus Mountain, WV
PASSED AWAY
February 11, 1996
Beckley, WV
SERVICES
February 15, 1996
2:00 PM
Wallace and Wallace Chapel
Rainelle, WV
Pastor Steve Martin
INTERNMENT
Goddard Cemetery
Red Springs, WV
Then I went to sleep and I dreamed about
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