Free Monkeys Wearing Pants by Jon Waldrep Page B

working elevator, maybe too
much.
    Sodium: Sodium means salt. Salt comes from
the sea. Man evolved from the sea. We started out as little sea
monkeys and then evolved into walking fish, standing fish, giddy,
little newts, lizards, cab drivers, monkeys, monkeys who started
parting their hair on the right and, finally, people. Salt is good.
The Bible even talks about salt and gives it two holy thumbs up.
So, when you are reading that label, remember that sodium is
literally the salt of the earth and good for you. Keep beer
handy.
    Natural: This one is easy. Natural means made
on the planet Earth, not in outer space or some other warped
dimension in time or space. A natural product comes from somewhere
on the globe. Would you rather eat something great from America’s
heartland, like apple fritters or pop rocks, or some crap that has
been imported from a distant star, milked out of a green,
three-headed monster’s udders or fried up in a Poltergeist
hamburger stand? With Earth-made, natural foods, you know you are
getting the best sugary, high-calorie, chock-a-block with
preservatives stuff in the universe.
    So, the next time you see a food label, give
it the same thought and consideration you would a zit in the middle
of your back. You know it’s there, but it’s not going anywhere. And
you’re not going to worry about it.
    So we started a Biggest Loser -type
competition at work today and had our official first weight in.
Ironically, today I chose to wear my lead-lined briefs, 1978
platform shoes and a soaking wet alpaca sweater. I’m not saying
that I'm trying to give myself an unfair advantage, but I WILL
WIN!
    So, I'm thinking of starting this all-garlic
diet. Nothing but raw garlic, cooked garlic, and food cooked with
an abundance of garlic. I don't really think I'll lose weight, but
I'm pretty sure I'll look slimmer from a distance.
    My doctor says I need to lose 50 pounds, so
yesterday I started using the Wii Fit again. Instead of the
cheerful, animatronic greeting I remembered, I was greeted with,
“What the hell! Do you think you can just waltz back here after all
this time and start over? Do you? Well, let me tell you something,
buddy boy, it doesn’t work that way! Where have you been? You heard
me! Where the hell have you been? Well? I’m waiting!” I guess it’s
been a while.
    When it's cool to lie about your weight; your
drivers’ license.
    When it's not such a good idea to lie about
your weight; pre-bungee jumping information form.
    I think that when we eat way too much of the
wrong kinds of foods (and then feel completely miserable), that
it’s the body’s way of taking a metaphorical, rolled up newspaper
and swatting us around while saying, “Bad body! Very bad body!”
Some learn early on from that lesson in cause and effect, while
others of us take much longer to figure it out and thus find our
bodies in the fat person’s doghouse.
    Five signs that you may need to lose
weight:
    1. Baby ducks instinctively line up and
follow you when you walk by a pond.
    2. You made the mistake of getting a booth
instead of a table at your favorite restaurant, and they needed the
jaws-of-life to extract you.
    3. Your ass is big enough to affect weather
patterns and may be contributing to global warming.
    4. Great Britain and Argentina are both
considering claiming your land mass as sovereign territory.
    5. To you, a serving size is what will fit in
a salad bowl.
    More signs that you need to lose weight:
    1. Have you ever eaten anything resembling a
5th grade science experiment you found hidden away in the back of
your fridge?
    2. Have you ever pretended to be on your cell
phone while at a Chinese takeout to “ask your friend” what they
wanted when you were really just getting a second order for
you?
    3. Have ever used the word “calories” and the
term “Monopoly money” in the same sentence? 4. Do you buy clothes
that will compliment your gut and butt crack rather than try to
hide them?
    5. Have you ever