Free Broken Piano for President by Patrick Wensink Page B

much easier in our business to manipulate and cheat and be self-centered.”
    “Don’t get carried away, you’re not—”
    “It makes me want to be a better person. I’m trying, obviously.”
    “You are?”
    “The curse words. Hello?”
    “I think we should talk about something else,” he says, hoping to get a speck of top-secret info.
    “Okay, okay, but wait…can I tell you one last secret? I’m trying to be more honest, too.”
    “Just one more, okay?” he says, proud of what a great spy he is.
    “My odds of dying by falling off a ladder are six times higher than dying from a terrorist attack. Twelve-thousand people worldwide broke their stupid necks falling off ladders last year. Only two-thousand died from terrorists. Doesn’t that seem wild?”
    “That’s…” He bites his lower lip. “Comforting?”
    Henry watches her nod the same way his mom does when letting an expensive chocolate melt in her mouth. “I’ll say. I’ve been researching that kind of stuff for a special project. It’s amazing. Life is really precious. Too precious to spend being an awful person.”
    Henry takes a silent balloon of breath and holds it. He touches cold fingers to the arm of Malinta’s wool coat. “You are an odd woman,” he says, letting the breath seep out in ghostly ribbons. “You want to get a drink after work?”

Okay, you’ve been very patient for the thrilling conclusion to Burger History 101. This is where the Monte Cristo batter hits the fan.
    Prior to Bust-A-Gut’s immaculate conception, Winters enjoyed dictatorial dominance in the fast food market. Having an American hero for a founder proved as popular as Mickey Mouse peddling your amusement park. Winters’ burgers spread with epidemic speed throughout post-war America. History being the repetitious bastard it is, the competition developed its own Axis of Edible.
    This all changed in 1979.
    A rivalry was inevitable since both beef giants were headquartered in the same city. No one is sure why Bust-A-Gut opened its main operations down the road from Christopher Winters’ office, since its parent corporation was located wherever it was located. Much like Winston-Salem mothering cigarette giants, the city became the capital for all things fried and bovine, quickly earning the nickname: Burger Town, USA.
    Bust-A-Gut consistently finished third place during its first few years of operation. That is, until Globo-Goodness Corporation purchased second-place Ka-Pow! Drive Thru and converted each of its one hundred and eighty eight restaurants like Hollywood actors to Scientology.
    Still, Bust-A-Gut was never taken seriously until it slipped under the 1980s’ hot neon spotlight. The restaurant unveiled a new menu featuring fried chicken, BBQ pork sandwiches, roast beef, doughnuts and “The Shot Heard ’Round the World” in the hamburger industry: The Double Cheeseburger . Apparently, nobody thought of mixing a couple slices of cheddar with Beef Boy’s Fat Boy recipe until this point.
    You know how an avalanche can start by someone yelling really loud? Consider the double cheeseburger the full-throated yodel that sent Burger Mountain rolling.
    Bust-A-Gut’s broad menu catapulted the mysterious wunderkind into first place in sales. Since then, the gastronomic arms race between the two giants has heated up like clockwork. One adds bacon while the other adds another layer of beef and cheese. One tops its burger with three-alarm jalapeño poppers while the other slides in a layer of onion rings. This cold war hit full-force with Bust-A-Gut’s “Bonzo Breakfast Burger.” The Bonzo consisted of three alternating layers of beef, cheese, fried egg and country sausage stacked Dagwood-style between two waffles. Syrup came fifty-cents extra.
    Health Watch International, a consumer advocacy group, chastised both companies for going so far as to produce sandwiches with four times the recommended daily amount of calories and saturated fat. Health Watch referred