Free Half to Death by Robin Alexander Page A

unworthy to be loved. Had true love slapped either of us in the face, we’d never recognize it because both of us were incapable of receiving.
    When the movie ended, we got up and merged into the crowd. In the foyer of the theater, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass frame of a movie poster. I looked like hell. No one would’ve guessed that I’d just seen a comedy. My eyes were swollen, and my face looked puffy and fatigued.
    Jade, who was ahead of me, stopped and waited. I caught the quick widening of her eyes when she looked at my face. She opened the door and held it for me to pass through. I mumbled a “thanks” and kept walking. She moved alongside me, and we walked silently to the car.
    “You okay?” she asked once we were inside.
    “Fine.” A lie passed through my head, and I started to claim that I had an allergic reaction to strong perfume. Two months earlier, I might’ve let it roll off my tongue, but the urge to be honest with her overwhelmed me. I felt my eyes begin to burn again.
    “Hey.”
    From the corner of my eye, I saw her hand move toward me. I recoiled, rolling my shoulders toward the door. Jade jerked her hand away.
    “I know you have a germ phobia, but do you consider me that dirty?”
    The latter part of the question was so heavily laced with emotion that I was immediately furious with myself. “No, no, I don’t think you’re dirty.” I took a deep labored breath. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m dealing with things that…tear me up inside. If you touch me, all the emotion is going to come tumbling out like a tidal wave, and I won’t stop for what I fear may be days.”
    She was quiet as I turned the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. I had planned to ask her if she’d like to have dinner, but I needed to get her back to her car, then lock myself away. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her that she was worthy, deserving of love and of happiness. But I couldn’t, and for the first time in my life, I felt like it truly mattered.
    “It’s okay to cry, you know,” she said after we’d ridden for a few minutes. “You can lean on me.”
    Jade didn’t ask me what was wrong. She was simply offering comfort. Again, I felt my anger rise at myself, at whomever or whatever had laid this affliction upon me. Maybe I was being cosmically repaid for the hearts I’d broken in my selfish pursuits, but this punishment was too severe. I wasn’t the only jacked-up soul out there who toyed with the emotions of others. At least, my reasons for doing so were because of fear and vulnerabilities. There were many who did it for sport, amusement.
    “Would you like me to tell you something funny? It might take your mind off things for a little while.”
    I glanced over at her and smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
    “Last night, Guy jumped up on the bed, right in the center of my chest.” She looked over at me. “You ever wake up and not know where you are, even though you’re in your own bed?”
    “Many times, yes.”
    “I was sleeping so deep, and when that cat hit me, I forgot I had one. I sat straight up and screamed at the top of my lungs.” She started laughing. “Poor Guy looked just like a cartoon character. He jumped straight into the air, all four paws spread eagle, and he screamed just as loud as I did and higher pitched.”
    The laugh rumbled up through me. The mental picture, though funny, wasn’t truly the catalyst. I wanted to laugh at something. It felt good to release the pressure that had been building inside.
    “After I calmed down, I went looking for Guy. I felt sorry for him. I have high ceilings in the kitchen, so there’s sort of a roost on top of my cabinets, and he was up there hiding.”
    “You scared the shit out him, no doubt,” I said with a laugh.
    “I checked my bed for just that. I think the scare might’ve taken one or two of his nine lives.”
    I glanced in her direction. “Thanks for that. It helped a lot.”
    Jade