Free Someone to Love by Addison Moore Page A

above spreading rumors of a very bad rash he might have
fictitiously acquired if he doesn’t stay true to his word.
    They take in a simultaneous breath as if what
I suggested held serious security infractions for our great
nation.
    “He’s taking a break?” Lauren’s mouth falls
open at the prospect. “Does his dick know about this? Look, you
need to forget this whole idea and find yourself a good guy—someone
who’ll bring you flowers and candy.”
    “And triple orgasms,” Ally interjects as
though this very feature should land near the top of the list.
    “Not everyone has an orgasm the first time.”
Lauren peels her banana without taking her eyes off Ally. “It’s
physiologically impossible. Besides, she’s not there yet. Can’t you
see, she’s a blank slate?” She reverts to me. “God, you’re not even
going to know what to do with that telephone pole.” She sticks her
banana in her mouth and maneuvers it in and out like she’s speaking
some sexual Morse code.
    “Would you stop?” Ally snatches it from her.
“I refuse to watch you perform a lewd act with fruit in public.”
She looks to me and closes her eyes briefly. “You can’t be that
blank of a slate. I mean, you’ve seen one, right?”
    “Seen one, what?” I ask. “Oh! That. No,
actually I haven’t. Although, I did walk in on my brother once
while he was using the bathroom but—”
    “Gross.” Ally mock vomits.
    “Get this straight, Kendall,” Lauren snips.
“Brothers never count.”
    Ally pulls me in by the wrist. “It looks like
a Storm Trooper,” she asserts.
    “Crap.” Lauren bats her hand away. “Don’t you
listen to her. She thinks everything somehow reverts back to Star
Wars. It looks like this.” She holds out her banana, then proceeds
to take a rather deep-throat inspired bite of the phallic fruit in
question.
    Ally groans at the visual. “Kendall”—she
scoots in—“I wouldn’t worry too much about your lack of carnal
knowledge. Cruise is proficient in body language. I’m sure he’ll
teach you everything he knows.”
    That’s exactly what I’m afraid of and hoping
for all at the same time.
    A pretty blonde wrapped in a bright red coat
strides in and takes a seat at the table behind us. She observes me
with a cold expression, and I look away to avoid her uncomfortable
gaze.
    “In fact, don’t worry about a thing.” Ally
goes on. “Cruise Elton will be a great teacher. And, when he’s
through with you, we’ll find you the perfect boyfriend—one that
speaks at least three different computer languages because God
knows you don’t want to get saddled with a moron.”
    “Three computer languages.” I nod
absentmindedly, but all I can think about is the fact not one part
of me wants to get rid of Cruise Elton so fast. In fact, every part
of me wants to keep him. “And what if it’s Cruise I want as my
boyfriend?”
    Lauren sprays her coffee over her
shoulder.
    “You can’t be serious.” Ally scoffs. “That’s
like trying to tame a wild mustang. You need to be careful or you
could get yourself killed.”
    “I don’t know…” Lauren touches her finger to
the rim of her cup as she considers this. “It’s happened before.
Cruise Elton once had very serious boyfriend potential. Is that
what you’re shooting for?”
    “Maybe I am.” I squirm in my seat at the
thought of taming an apparently well-endowed mustang.
    “Alrighty then”—Lauren raises her coffee and
inspires Ally to do the same—“here’s to playing the player!”
    “To playing the player.” Ally sings. “In the
name of triple orgasms, may you take down Cruise Elton’s heart and
make it your own.”
    “Believe me, he’ll never see it coming.”
Lauren takes a sip of her drink.
    The thought of Cruise Elton as my own
personal boyfriend stuns me.
    I didn’t see it coming either.
    The girl in the red coat cuts me a hard look
and dashes out the door.
     

     
    After Starbucks, I decide to fill my
afternoon with